Monday, October 15, 2007

For Ethan

You came into my life when I needed you most. And since then, you’ve always known just how to make me smile.

When you were very young, we had some difficult times. Tests and evaluations—none of them conclusive. You were a trooper, even if you didn’t understand.

And today, when you saw me cry, when you put your hand on my arm and said, “It’s okay, Mommy. Don’t cry,” and looked at me with concern in those big blue eyes, that was the bright spot of my day.

You are always the bright spot of my day.

You take my pain on your shoulders. So much to bear for someone so small. But you are determined to ease my burden.

When did you get to be so strong?

I thought we were past the worry. I thought we could finally get on with life. No more tests, no more questions, no more fear about what lies ahead for you. But life is a constant test. Don’t we know that by now?

You will have challenges in your future. And I will face them with you, whatever they may be.

I don’t care if you’re not like the other kids. I don’t care what they find. “Different” can be good. No one ever made history by being like everyone else.

One day, I fear, you may be angry with me. You may wonder if there was anything I could have done to make a difference earlier in your life. My answer to you would be that I did my best. Sometimes clarity can only be achieved through time.

But if I’ve failed you, if I’ve made your life harder, or taken away chances that might have been available to you if not for me, know that I grieve. But come tomorrow, you will see no tears. Come tomorrow, we move on. We get up, and dust ourselves off, and leave our regrets behind. Because tomorrow, there is only determination. Tomorrow has not been written for us yet.

But today, I hurt.

Because I bruise easily for you...


...my heart, my love, my son.

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24 comments:

dawn224 said...

so sweet. so so true.

R said...

My Oldest son has Asperger's. He only made sounds and said a few words when he was two and three, but was born reading. He was evaluated before Kindergarten and diagnosed. That Kindergarten year was so difficult. I will always remember it. We never knew if our son would be able to live a normal life on his own someday. I could get into all the details of how he was able to be nearly indistinguishable by now, but it would take too long!!! :) He does still have social issues, he struggles to know what is funny at times, he does say strange things (he sounds more like a book worm---like a text book taught him English). What I mean is at times he sounds as if he is speaking English as a second language, if you understand what I am saying.

He has always struggled with giving me affection. He has been taught to by his father, but I have never pushed it with him, although he does give it, but very stiffly. He has been telling me lately that he wants a new play machine gun (especially since he wants to be a soldier--again--for Halloween). I found one last night and brought it home. He could hardly contain his glee. He thanked me a million times and then ran upstairs to put it away after goofing off with it for a spell. Finally, ten minutes later, I was sitting on the floor talking to my husband while he was tapping away at the computer and my son charges down the stairs, approaches me, and bends down gently to give me a hug. He even pat me mechanically, but I knew he meant it, it was just hard for him to know how to do it "naturally". He didn't say thank you again, he just whisked himself away and ran upstairs. I was so deeply touched by this.

If your son is noticing that you are upset and gives you affection, there is such hope for improvement later in life! He sounds like a beautiful boy. And he is so cute!!

Josi said...

that's beautiful, Avery. Sniff.

Candace said...

I have to cry so early in the morning?
he is SO beautiful.
can i pinch his cheeks??
I don't want to ruin my computer but I"m tempted!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Ahhhh sweetie I am sending you hugs.
Ethan looks and sounds wonderful, and with you in his corner he will get the best because you are already fighting for him.

WorksForMom said...

Wow, absoulutely. beautiful.

Sheila said...

Avery, that is so beautiful! *fighting back tears*

Dedee said...

Wow. I don't understand fully, but I feel your pain. He is beautiful.

Christina said...

I would hug you if I could; tell you to be strong, that you are a survivor. But somewhere you already know that.
This was a wonderful, heartfelt post Avery. Great job.

Oh, The Joys said...

It's amazing how tough and strong they can be.

LadyintheRed said...

Avery, that was the most beautiful and searingly painful post I've ever read, and Ethan's SOOOO GORGEOUS!!!!!! I'm sending you both hugs through cybespace.

Momo Fali said...

So sweet. I know what you mean. I try, but I can't keep myself from wishing my son was just an "average kid". It can be so hard. Hang in there!

Dapoppins said...

(((hugs)))

J. Anthony Holloway said...

You've made sons everywhere cry. I better call my mommy and tell her I love her.

Emma Sometimes said...

that was beautiful and poignant ~running to hug my kids now...sniff~

Jo Beaufoix said...

Come and play when you feel a bit better. I have an award for you.

Mert said...

What a beautiful Avery, thank you for sharing that. (((Hugs))) I'm sending positive vibes your way.... NOW! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

loveyh said...

I think I needed a disclaimer on this blog post...thanks. :) You know you're not alone in this, either in cyberspace, or here at home.

Radioactive Jam said...

Hope you and your family continue to draw strength from and support one another as each new day unfolds.

May you find unexpected joys waiting for you.

Bec said...

I wont say that I understand what you're going through, but this is the road I see for us. Developmentally Miss E is between a 3 month old and a 7 month old, she's neither but both so no one really knows what to expect from her they do expect her to be meeting the minimum milestones for a three month old though.

Her fine motor skills took a lot of coaxing. A lot of time sitting with her, playing with her hands, showing her that they actually did stuff and a lot of time worrying that she wasn't. She doesn't mimic facial expression, she rarely coos, "talks" or anything vocally other than cry.

We've been told that the earlier a delay is picked up the easier it is to correct but no one can tell me what I should be doing to encourage her to do the things she's not. It plays on my mind a lot that there is something I should be doing but am not.

I *am* doing the best I can, but it's difficult when the people who should know, don't seem to have any answers or ideas for you.

Heather B. Moore said...

I feel this way each day about my children. Beautifully put.

mom said...

Delurking to say - you made me cry. He's a STAR!

Marianne Arkins said...

Argh. You made me ball like a baby, you rotten person.

This was terribly sweet. Aren't kids just the best?

cate said...

oh, Avery...my tears are flowing. it's so easy for mothers to wonder if they couldn't have prevented any pain that falls on our children. i've often wondered if i did anything to make Logan come early, and if he maybe wouldn't have had Reflux Disease if he was born on time.

we can't do this to ourselves! always remember, you are the best mother for your son. Ethan is so lucky to have a mom like you...i'm sure he would agree.