Monday, November 19, 2007

I'm Thankful for...Revenge

We had our family pictures taken yesterday. Well, what I hoped would be our family pictures. We haven't had any taken in over four years. Probably because of the fits and temper tantrums that inevitably occur in the process. I dealt with the same thing the last time we tried to get our pictures taken, and wouldn't you know, nothing's changed in all that time.

My husband is still a jackass.

If you thought it was Ethan causing the problems, I assure you it wasn't. He was an angel. Stayed where he was posed, smiled big for the camera, flirted with the girls taking the shots. He's a whore for the attention, after all. And he got plenty of it.

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Compare that ray of sunshine with a constipated Squidward on bedpan duty, and you'd have a pretty accurate portrayal of our Sears Portrait experience.

Thank God we didn't go somewhere nicer!

If you think I'm exaggerating, allow me to enter this as Exhibit A:

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I rest my case.

Now, it comes as no surprise to me that my husband didn't want to smile in these pictures. He is very self-conscious about his smile. I understand that.

But did he have to scowl?

Did he have to tell the poor girl who asked him to smile that he would have if he hadn't been kept waiting, but he had, so this was the best she was going to get?

A jackass and an idiot.

Because, as any sane person could tell you, it's no skin off her nose if you don't smile. She gets paid whether you like the pictures or not. You, on the other hand (I'm talking to my husband here), just shelled out $130 for pictures that look like crap, and infuriated your wife in the process.

Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

So, it should come as no surprise to any of you that I've taken the liberty to alter the pics a bit. Just a little tiny bit. You can't tell, really, unless you're looking very closely...

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Hardly noticeable. But a vast improvement, don't you think?


Joeprah said...

Strangely, the dude in that last picture looks like me...on a bad day. ;) I used to hate smiling until my wife convinced me that I had a good smile, now I am reinvigorated and smile like idiot (see over smile) during photo ops.

Karen said...

Hey, good plan! hee hee I hate family pictures with all my heart. You can never get everyone looking great all at the same time. Ug. I have an Ethan too, btw...great name!

Kimberly said...

That's why we've never taken family photos. Except with us, I'm the one who has trouble with the smiling.

Natalie said...

Bwahaha! I'm laughing at the last one. Too funny. It almost looks as if he's "trying" to smile but can't muster up the courage in the rest of them.

Secret Agent Mama said...

That last one is PRICELESS. I'd print a big poster of it, for shits and giggles!

R said...

Aw, that's too bad.

I have just visited your blog too many times today. What is the deal with me?

Jo Jo said...

Okay, when you call him Squidward I the office...enough where people say to me: "what the hell are you doing?!"'ve got mad, sarcastic skills and I love every drop of you!

Thanks for the howl!

newnorth said...

awww, you should have all made a grumpy face in one picture to make fun of him. That would be soo spooky, a picture of the three of you scowling over the fireplace.

holly said...

i'm with newnorth. scowl. also, have one where you're all looking at something that is apparently stinky.

Rimarama said...

I can't stop looking at the (unaltered picture). It is strangely compelling.

I think I might make it my laptop wallpaper.

Jill said...

Holy Crap Batman! Frickin' hilarious!

You're the only other person in the world over 30 who uses the term "smooth move Ex-Lax!" One of my favorite terms!

What does hubby think of your post? I've had to remove angry husband postings because I've pissed him and his peeps off by ranting on-line!

I envious of your freedom of speech!

Nap Warden said...

Love the last one!

The Lazy Iguana said...

At least he did not buy you a vacuum cleaner for a mother's day present. But there is still time for him to get you a brand new ironing board for Christmas!!

Deb said...

They should provide stunt husbands for a small fee.

Avery Gray said...

Joeprah--you do kinda resemble Gerard Butler. You could have a lucrative career as a body double! ;o)

Karen--that's why God made Photoshop! And I agree, it is a great name! ;o)

Kimberly--I can't believe you've never had a family picture taken! I don't like to have my picture taken either, but a family picture's nice to have.

Natalie--He was looking over all the photos last night, and he claims he was doing a "Mona Lisa smile" in them. I beg to differ!

SAM--I think I'll do that and hang it over my bed! What do you think?

R--you can't stay away. Don't even try!

JoJo--That's my nickname for him, and it drives him bonkers! Thanks for the compliment!

Newnorth--aw, man! Why didn't I think of that?! That would make for an awesome portrait!

Holly--another find idea! I have just the face for that!

Rimarama--it's like you're reading my mind!

Jill--that might be a consideration if my husband could read. He's a dullard. I just keep him around 'cause he's so pretty. ;o) Seriously, though, he doesn't read my blog.


Lazy--if he did that, the fires of Hell would rain down on him in a torrent of pain so severe he'd beg for the sweet release of death! I told him to get me bling for Christmas, and he'd best do it if he knows what's good for him.

Avery Gray said...

Deb--I like your thinking!

terri said...

Pardon me for gushing but, I. LOVE. YOUR. BLOG! You can get away with calling your husband a jackass on the internet! You're my idol! I, on the other hand, get in trouble for telling my handful of readers that my husband was "pissed" because he went to KFC and they gave him a senior discount when he is only 47 years old. Thanks for the best laugh I've had in days!

WorksForMom said...

Oh my stomach. That was farking hilarious. You're husband the jackass, idiot looks like he should be on Law & Order.

And that last one? You're WAY TOO HOT for that guy. :)

Bec said...

oh me oh my!

for $130 I'd have been right miffed if that was the end result.

Jennifer said...

Oh, but that first picture was worth all the heartache and dough and then some! What a cutie pie!

dan leone said...

Thank you for the funniest post I have read in a long time, Avery!

You are the Mistress of Photoshop. If I send you all my family photos, can you remove me from them? I need to cover my trail.



belle said...

Brilliant! Just like our family, in fact, my husband even managed to ruin our wedding photos. Unfortunately he does smile ... and therein lies the problem ;o)

Berita dari gunung said...

interesting reading!!.. wife and husband beyond the looks.

a writer's woolgatherings said...

First off, your son is absolutely adorable. Great job on the Photoshop! I would have been mortified had my husband behaved that way, too.

Avery Gray said...

Terri--well, I'd blog about that, too! Husbands can be so sensitive, can't they? And thanks for the compliment, BTW! ;o)

Worksformom--too hot for Gerard Butler?! I don't know whether to kiss you, or check your meds. I think I'll do the latter. ;o)

Bec--I know, huh?!

Jennifer--that's kinda the way I see it. That, and one other picture of him, were the only good shots.

Dan--that means a lot coming from you! Sure, I'll take you out. Who would you like to be replaced by? Your options are David Hasselhoff or Fabio. I seem to have an inordinate amount of pics of those two.

Belle--I guess it's true what they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Poor guys can't win! (And at least our wedding photos turned out alright. I really feel for you there!)

Berita--don't get me wrong. I love my husband. I just wish he didn't look like he doesn't like to be around us when we have our pictures taken, ya know? ;o)

Melissa--thanks, and thanks! ;o)

meleah rebeccah said...

HA HA HA... your revised photo is AWESOME.

Too bad your husband looks so cranky.

your son = ADORABLE.

TheVasquez3 said...

oooooooooh fantastic!! OMG this post had me rolling! and i love the smiling stand in...send him my way when you are done with him!

Amy Turn Sharp said...

yr sick and twisted and I love it

Avery Gray said...

Meleah--thank you! I happen to think he's adorable, too!

Vasquez--who says I'm done with him? ;o)

Amy--love you, too, baby!

suchsimplepleasures said...

that is an outstanding family photo.

Mike said...

I can't believe you didn't photoshop me in there. Shirtless.

TheVasquez3 said...

Avery...i often send my husband to some of my favorite posts. i sent him to this one last night and he laughed his ass off...its a good one!!


Emma Sometimes said...

That last picture, Ethan does not look like himself? Maybe it's just me.

You look so PURDY! Sorry about hubby. Mine looks like a hitman when he doesn't smile.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Mr B rarely smiles for photos so I know just what this is like, but I hate having my pic taken too, so quite often we just do the girls. God help us when they're teenagers and don't want their pictures taken either. Then we might have to buy a cute dog...

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