Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm Thankful for...Good Stuff

I lost my voice. I know that matters to you not at all. Except that I'm as high as a kite on the good stuff.

Oh, yeah! You know what I mean.

Sudafed, baby!

I'm on the junk. I'm a junkie. A druggie. A doper. A user. A pill-popping fiend.

But I can stop anytime. Honest I can!

Only, when I'm in this drug-altered state of mind I become incredibly insightful. Kinda like alcohol makes everything clearer for the partakers of copious quantities--like frat boys and hobos--and they are able to answer life's ponderous mysteries. Like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, or whatever happened to that talented child actor, Jaleel White.

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While the mysteries I ponder are of much less significance, I have decided that they are at least worthy of this prime bandwidth.

Well, the addlepated part of my brain believes that. The other part thinks it is a very, very bad idea to be blogging at all today, and that I will undoubtedly come to regret it in the end.

Good thing that part is distracted by shiny objects.

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Now that that chump's out of the way...

I was thinking about the expression 'live every day as if it were your last'. You're familiar with that one, right? A real motivator, to be sure, and stupid beyond measure if you stop to think about it. Which I have. And even though I'm loopier than a tangled Slinky, I really think I'm on to something here.

If everyone were to live that way, the world as we know it would grind to a screeching halt. No one would go to work, or do laundry, or flush. The streets would be filled with ne'er-do-wells, and the atmosphere would quickly devolve into an orgy of sin and chaos. And all because of some clever little bumper sticker slogan.

Bumper sticker responsibility is not a joke, people. A joke is something like this:

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "What do you call that?"

Guy replies, "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt."


Speaking of spell checking (were we?), does anyone do it anymore?

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I hope not, 'cause it sure is funny when you don't.

And what's the big deal with words anyway? Cavemen didn't use any, and they got by just fine. Even got themselves a fine program on the ABC network.

What?! It sucks? You don't say.

Well, I guess they can't all be winners, right? You know what is a winner? The Honeycrisp apple. Have you tasted this fine example of nature's goodness? It's like an explosion of flavor for your tastebuds.

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Yum! Pick some up today.

Oh, wait! Wasn't I making a point about bumper stickers? Ah, screw it. Watch this instead.


dan leone said...

I will personally ship you all the Sudafed you will ever need, if you continue to write stuff like this!


Love the video too.


Kimberly said...

Oh my...your attention span issues make for much hilarity!

newnorth said...

hahaha, that was great. I feel like I am on sudafed now!

Avery Gray said...

Dan--you are so generous, my friend! Thanks for the compliment. ;o)

Kimberly--thanks. What were we talking about?

Newnorth--I have that effect on a lot of people.

The Lazy Iguana said...

The crack spider video never gets old.

Live everyday as if it were your last is very bad advice. Cause here is that I would do.

1. Fly to London
2. Steal a hat from a palace guard
3. Moon the queen, with the stars and stripes painted on my ass
4. Piss on the Blarney Stone
5. Run naked through a Best Buy
6. Steal a police car
7. Take a big festering poop on the Mayor's desk

And so on. Really bad advice.

Lilacspecs said...

I'm still laughing from the crack spider. And it's amazing that you can be so obviously whacked out and yet still possess the ability to make me shoot Diet Dew out of my nose!

Erin said...

I wasn't sure you could get funnier, but apparently Sudafed's the ticket! Hope you feel better soon : )

Nap Warden said...

Keep the Sudafed...It's workin' for ya;)

belle said...

Where can I get some? I want some Now! Loved the spider vid :o)

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

I came here from Belle's place because I found your comment on her post very insightful and interesting. Love it! You are very witty and it was good to start my day with a cracking big smile. I'm going to read the rest of your stuff over the next few days but I think I'm going to add you as a link. I could do with a good laugh now and then! Great blog.

holly said...

it's official. i'm going to be fired for laughing at you on company time. thanks for that.

Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Sudafed makes you high?

Gesh, I'm an expensive crack ho. It doesn't nothing for me.

I don't like the bumper sticker either....to me it's more about fear than living fully. But what do I know. I'm not high on sudafed.

meleah rebeccah said...

I love shiny objects. Such wonderful distractions.

Sudafed is awesome.

Radioactive Jam said...

Well, *I'd* still flush. Because even if it's my last day, it's not everyone else's. And I'd hate for an unflushed toilet to become my lingering memory.

So to speak. Your monkeys may vary of course.

Marianne Arkins said...

You are one crazy woman... LOL on the poor spideys...

And, what DID happen to whatsisname? Inquiring minds want to know.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Avery, I love how your mind works babe. Hilarious. and the spider video is amazing. Who'd have thought little spiders could drive cars. And where did they get the tiny little guns from?