Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'm Thankful for...Guilty Pleasures

This past Sunday, while my husband and the boy were out flying their new Air Hogs (amusing little tale to come later), I engaged in a little guilty pleasure TV viewing. You don't understand--it's been roughly five years since I've seen anything on daytime television other than The Wonder Pets, and Spongebob, and all the other Nick riff raff. So when I came across a new reality/game show on VH1 poking fun at the intellectual capacity of some really, really, ridiculously good looking people, I knew I'd hit GP gold.

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The name says it all.

If you haven't seen this, it's probably only because you feel great about your life and don't get a thrill from laughing at small children trapped in the hard bodies of aspiring mannequins. But if you're like me, you have no qualms. (Hey, I wasn't the one who signed up for this train wreck.)

You want to feel bad for these people. You really do. But right at the edge of pity, you hear them say things like, "I’m not afraid to speak my mind of things that I wanna speak my mind of."

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I feel the same way.

"Being smart to me isn’t memorizing information that is often not used. Facts and definitions, I don’t really wanna engage myself in."

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I hear ya loud and clear!

"Drawing a circle is not as easy as I thought it would be."

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Really? I mean, they gave you a ruler and everything. How difficult could it be?

Incredibly so, as it turns out. Though, to be fair, that particular contestant, Rachel, was the dumbest of the dumb. The challenge she referred to there was one where the contestants were pitted against each other in a race to be the first to cut out six shapes.

Yes. You understood that correctly.

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They had to draw the shapes on paper, then cut them out. With nary a pair of plastic safety scissors in sight!

This competition is brutal. Take, for instance, the question and answer competition where every right answer was rewarded with...celery.


And every time a question was answered incorrectly, the contestant was punished with moist, delicious chocolate cake. Or Twinkies. Or pancakes. These producers are sadists!!!

Insightful sadists. They have their fingers firmly planted on the pulse of Americans just like me. The slightly jaded thirty-somethings who want to see the skinny bitch who just said "I have a small tummy" eat the damn cake!

Yes, I'm a brunette. Why do you ask?

This, like many reality shows, relies heavily on its most outrageous characters for its success. Sadly, the ones who have delivered the show's finest gems have largely been eliminated. Mandy Lynn (the Hoochie), Rachel (the Idiot), Jesse (the Token "Fluffy" Gay Black Guy) are all gone.

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One guy that keeps hanging on is the angry Russian, Andre.

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This guy is insane! Which makes for great TV. Although, I wonder if something is lost in the translation. When asked why he thought he could win the competition, he replied, "Have you seen my f@&#ing abs?"

Uh... Is that where they keep their brains in Russia?

Maybe I keep mine in my H cups! (Yep, get a load of my brains, people! They're real, and they're spectacular!)

I guess my only gripe with the show (which is really more of a non-gripe) is I don't get the point. It's not like potential employers are thinking, "Well, she looks great, she photographs well, and she'd be perfect for this job, but, DAMN IT, she's as dumb as a bag of hammers!" Somehow, I don't think that's a real consideration. Unless she's a drooler, she's in!

I think it's a fairly common assumption that models are not rocket surgeons. And this show is helping to prove it. You gotta check it out!


R said...

Thanks, but no thanks. I would be stuck watching forever. I would never be able to quit!

Why would they ask someone apparently dumb to cut out a rhombus? Nevermind...

I truly never knew that other women were so brutal about "skinny bi*****."

Probably because I am dumb, and I am blonde. Go figure.

I do know what a rhombus is though.

You, my friend should write reviews and get paid for it. This was great.

~Jennifer said...

"If you haven't seen this, it's probably only because you feel great about your life and don't get a thrill from laughing at small children trapped in the hard bodies of aspiring mannequins."

Or because you can't afford cable, which is the case here.

I'm gonna have to go visit my mom so I can see it. Your take on it is absolutely hilarious. I hope the show, itself, can stand up.

Erin said...

Off to see if my parents have VH1.

By the way, I finally did the 8 things meme that you tagged me with like 2 weeks ago. Just letting you know I wasn't ignoring it : )

Jo Jo said...

I think I just pee'd my pants!

Mya said...

Sounds awful, but un-turn-off-able.'I'm not afraid to speak my mind of things I wanna speak my mind of!'? Purlease!

Mya x

cate said...

oh, man! us Canadians don't get VH1, otherwise i would definitely be watching it.

damn you CRTC!

holly said...

stop it please, my tummy hurts! no don't stop, i like pain.

i think this program is probably twice as funny watched *with* you...!

Kimberly said...

Ditto to what Cate said!

meleah rebeccah said...

drawing a circle with a ruler... hahahah

Avery Gray said...

R--she couldn't even say rhombus, let alone cut one out. And I don't hate skinny women in general, just stupid ones. Same goes for the male persuasion. (And you might be on to something about getting paid to do this. I love harping on these shows!)

Jennifer--oh, it stands up, believe me! I didn't even begin to scratch the surface here.

Erin--I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Jo Jo--oops! I'm sorry! ;o)

Mya--it's sort of car-accident-like like that.

Cate and Kimberly--curses!!

Holly--come on over! I'll pop us some Pop Secret brand Homestyle Butter popcorn (made with real Land o' Lakes butter), and we'll kick our feet up!

Meleah--better than no ruler, right? ;o)

Emma Sometimes said...

hahhhahahaha! Those Russians, dude. Hard core.

We should watch next Monday's Bachelor finale together. Blog fodder in the making.

QZ~Ba Doozie said...

Huh? TV???? whats that

Candace said...

I'm dying to see this!

Lilacspecs said...

I don't suppose you have a "thankful for Memes" post coming up? Cause I'm tagging you with one right now. I think everyone in my blogoverse has answered it, but it's my duty to tag others so yeah there it is.

newnorth said...

uhh, wow,just wow! ...and I thought Americas Next Top Model was funny :p

Lisa said...

Hahahaha. I HAVE to watch this now. This is bad.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Avery, you are fabulous. You are as good as this programme is bad. And I'm telling you the truth because I'm not afraid to speak my mind of things that I wanna speak my mind of. Have you seen my boobs?

Joeprah said...

I am glad I turned down the offer to be on the show, I could have never cut out those shape thingys you spoke of.