Friday, November 2, 2007

I’m Thankful for…“Ham Diapers”

All is not right with the world. The merry opus of “Thanks” I’d had planned for today has fallen prey to the evil machinations of a corrupt and reprehensible foe. I write to you as a woman scorned; cast aside by a malevolent and unfeeling entity--

A washer repair technician.

Oh, fix-it monkey, why have you forsaken me? Is it because I call you a fix-it monkey? I could stop.

I’d so looked forward to our meeting today. Why, I’d even shoveled a path through the assorted Legos and dirty Underoos, washed the dishes in the sink (well, the ones gathering suspect fuzz anyhow), and cancelled a long-kept dentist appointment for you. And you know how I feel about proper dental hygiene! You know how I feel!

Alas, you cannot be moved from your stalwart position. You have bronchitis, yet I am the one made to suffer! Another whole week without the use of my ridiculously expensive state-of-the-art high capacity washer? How am I to cope? What will become of me?

More importantly, who’s going to wash all these damn clothes?!

Oh, you know who it will be. And it makes my blood boil with rage, like a fiery inferno heating a cauldron of molten fury.

Yeah. Ouch.

Right now, you are being treated to the most delicious forms of retribution my ire-addled mind can conjure. But be assured, you do not suffer the torment alone. Oh no, my friend. There is another, the purveyor of this misery, who will be made to endure far more corporeal punishments than you.

For what the adult mind is capable of meting out in vengeance, a child’s imagination is equally adept at tempering with a delightful degree of humiliation. And it would suck to be on the losing end of this battle, Pepe. No doubt about that.

For when I asked my son what his daddy’s punishment should be, he barked his mirthless cackle and said, “Daddy should wear a diaper.”

This is the expected response to most everything I ask him nowadays. Diapers make him giggle like a schoolgirl. But when I told him daddies don’t wear diapers, he regarded me with a mixture of pity and disdain.

“Not baby diapers,” he said. “Ham diapers.”

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My boy, you’re an evil genius. And I'm thankful for it.

15 comments:

Radioactive Jam said...

That's more than a little bit scary.

Seems like the kind of thing that might crisp one's bacon.

So to speak.

newnorth said...

hahahah, love the images at the end. That clears it all up :p

Dapoppins said...

exactly.

R said...

COOLIO. I will never think of ham the same way again.

I saw your washer and dryer at Home Depot today. I pointed it out to Eraser Eater and he thought, "huh. Cool."

I was out buying a room heater for the room my treadmill is in. I am dreading running because it is so cold in there. Gotta have that fixed. Now.

Lilacspecs said...

I have a quick question...I'm trying to find a fun template for blogger, and I've found some, but when I paste it in the html it nukes all my widgets...do you know how to preserve them by any chance?

Emma Sometimes said...

Ham diapers? Does Pampers make those?

I'm sorry about your washer...another week just sucks.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee. Ham diapers. Sounds, erm, tasty.
Now tag, you are it.

Mya said...

Pampers do make them - they're called Hampers. I think I'm going to go and shoot myself. Sorry. (Not really - don't get the gendarmes tracking my phone line and coming out on a mercy mission!)

Mya x

Shannon aka loveyh said...

Hampers? I'm DYIN' here!!!


Were you at the laundromat of fun today, Miss Avery??

Oh, The Joys said...

No way! That is like Evil Genius at its finest!

dawn224 said...

Guh, but then how will you wash the greasy ham diaper?

Bec said...

Now, would the diaper be made out of ham or would the ham be in the diaper? I mean baby diapers aren't made out of baby...or are they?

Pinky said...

This all has a Soilent Green feel about it...Avery, your twisted-ness should be bottled and sold.

I think the diaper should be made out of ham, and eaten after worn. eWwwww~
Mike Meyers makes mention of a meat helmet...remember?

Avery Gray said...

RaJ--"crisp one's bacon"! You crack me up!

Newnorth--thanks! I worked long and hard on that piece of visual artistry. ;o)

Dapo--precisely.

R--it's cold everywhere you go! Have you been back to the doctor?

Lilac--did you ever get it figured out?

Emma--yes, I think I've seen those. Been so long since I've had to buy diapers!

Jo--tag right back!

Mya--"Hampers"? *groan*

Shannon--don't encourage her!

Oh--I'm so proud!

Dawn--I haven't thought that far ahead. Hmmm...

Bec--you've raised some interesting points! I'm going to have to consult the experts on this one.

Pinky--it's people! Soylent Green is people!

meleah rebeccah said...

That is one of the funniest letters, to a repair man that canceled...I ever read.
:)