Saturday, November 17, 2007

I'm Thankful for...Muscles!

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been lethargic and sleepy. I suppose it could be the weather--this area's not known for it's tropical climes, after all--but I think it probably has more to do with the crap I've been shoveling in my mouth, pound by delicious pound. Or maybe because I haven't left this chair since sometime around the middle of September. Heck, it's not like I have anything else going on in my life, right?

Thursday, a pile of clothes suggested I take a trip to the gym. Upon further examination, I determined that the pile of clothes did not, in fact, develop the faculties for verbal communication--it was my son buried underneath them who had spoken. As far as I can tell, he'd built himself a nice little nest in there, and had been surviving off the harvest of crumbs they offered.

As happy as I was to observe his mad skillz at adapting to harsh environments, I thought he might also have a point about the gym thing. I hadn't been in months, and I could definitely tell. When a walk to the mailbox in front of your house seems like something to do when you have more energy, it's time to hit the elliptical.

So, we went. And it wasn't bad. I did an hour on the treadmill, and did some upper body weights. It felt good. I felt good.

Then came the next day.

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So much pain!

Whoever among you says "No pain, no gain," I will make it my mission in life to teach you the true meaning of that expression. And I can, 'cause check me out...

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Yep. One day of lifting gives you the freakishly sculpted body of a female bodybuilder. Who knew?!

I've never been so toned and defined! So able to crush small foreign cars with a flex of my giant biceps. It's awesome!

In the wrong hands, this newfound strength could be something to fear, but I have vowed to use my powers only for good. To prove my point, I've kept a photo diary of my day.

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Here I am grocery shopping for elderly shut-ins. I'm in the juice aisle, stocking up on Clamato and prune. Old people love juice!

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Here you see me giving a puppet show to under-privileged Nicaraguan kids. Sure, I probably could have used the money I spent on the flight down there to buy them 8 laptops instead, but what were they going to do with 8 laptops? They didn't even have electricity.

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And, finally, I vacuumed David Soul's pleasure den. It smelled like wet dog and broken dreams. Poor Hutch.

I think tomorrow I might solve the world's hunger crisis. Or buy some clothes that fit. We'll see.


Kimberly said...

I am thankful for funny posts popping up just after my three year old daughter takes a bottle of baby shampoo and smears it on my unfinished deacons bench, herself, her sister, and the carpet.

She? Is thankful to be alive.

Pixelation said...

I often wish muscle tone came as easily to me as it does to you.

You don't know how lucky you are..

dawn224 said...

Wow, you look fab - will you be my trainer?

belle said...

Fabulous! I've been putting off a return to the Gym largely out of fear that I've lost the ability to walk having sat at my pc for so long. But now I know it only takes one trip I shall be there tomorrow! Hoorah!

suchsimplepleasures said...

that's what my body looks like, just from taking the laundry up the stairs! gym. schmim...

R said...

Good for you with the gym. You really do have too much time on your hands.

Dapoppins said...

Why go to the gym when you could sleep instead? Really, I just don't get it. Given the choice, I always choose sleep and chocolate. Always.

Dapoppins said...

You need to post this again...or post a link on the buzz...all that photo shop work needs more comments.

Joeprah said...

Thats hot!

Lisa Campagna said...

I feel like I leave the same comments over and over whenever I visit your blog.. but I am just plain laughing out loud. I love it, I love it.

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh yeah, the day after working out is a total nightmare.

Ps... your posts always make me want to buy & learn how to PhotoShop