Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Long Post Wherein I Interview Lovey

Me: Hello, Lovey.

LH: Hello, Avery.

Me: How are you this fine day?

LH: Tired.

Me: Tell me about it.

LH: Working late will do that to you.

Me: That's a great story. You should tell it at parties.

LH: Shut up.

Me: Alright. Lovey...

LH: As I stuff my face full of breadsticks.

Me: They're delicious. Anyhow, you're a hardworking--

LH: (laughs)

Me: --wife.

LH: Am I supposed to be laughing at hardworking or wife?

Me: Both. Wife, mother, president of something or other...

LH: The House Corporation of Willamette University Pi Beta Phi?

Me: Yeah, that.

LH: Yeah, that. Oregon Gamma!

Me: Woo! Go...

LH: Come on! You went there. You should know what the mascot is.

Me: It's a Bearcat.

LH: Very good.

Me: Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

LH: Word.

Me: You know, I drew a picture one time. It was one of our first assignments. Just to get off the subject.

LH: Because we always do.

Me: I gave it the ears of a bear, and the tail of a cat.

LH: Awesome.

Me: I don't know what a bearcat is.

LH: Hey, if you're gonna call it a bearcat, it might as well look like a bearcat.

Me: I still have no idea what it is. Okay. Anyhow. Lovey?

LH: Mm-hmm.

Me: You're a hardworking wife, mother, and president of the blah, blah, blah...

LH: Blah, blah, blah. Alright. So, the girls will be from... 'Where's blah, blah, blah?'

Me: But what people really want to know is, how often do you read my blog?

LH: Every three or four days.

Me: Every three or four days?!

LH: Yeah.

Me: Not every day?

LH: Not every day.

Me: Alright.

LH: 'Cause I don't have time to read it every day.

Me: Whatever.

LH: (to a chorus of screaming children) Can you tell why?

Me: No. So anyhow...you know how witty and droll I am?

LH: Of course.

Me: Some people even say sarcastic.

LH: No!

Me: What are your thoughts on that?

LH: I say those people should be poked in the eye with a rusty screwdriver.

Me: That is violent.

LH: Little bit, yeah.

Me: Yeah, so when you say you're a feminist...

LH: Mm-hmm.

Me: Doesn't that really mean that you just let too many guys get to second base?

LH: Third if they were really cute. No, it means that I had people accuse me of being a lesbian, and a manhater, and a Nazi, and in one very...memorable instance, I had somebody appalled that I was actually married.

Me: Really? Why?

LH: Well, because 'feminists are gay.'

Me: Of course, they are.

LH: I'm like, alrighty then. I'll go tell my husband that. He'll be interested to know.

Me: And they have mullets, too.

LH: Apparently. Although if you ever watch Survivor, you know that's no longer the case.

Me: Oh, really? What's going on on Survivor?

LH: You'll have to read the Denise thingy.

Me: Okay.

LH: Denise was married with a mullet. Because she was a lunch lady, so she had to keep her hair short, but she still wanted to feel feminine for her husband, so she kept it long in the back.

Me: Business and party?

LH: Yeah.

Me: That's funny. You know what's not funny?

LH: Syphilis?

Me: I was going to say genocide, but syphilis works, too.

LH: Yeah.

Me: Speaking of kids, yours are adorable.

LH: Yes, they are.

Me: Are either of them yours?

LH: Um, with Bran, that's kind of a toss-up because I don't remember much about his birth and delivery.

Me: Uh-huh.

LH: Paige, I'm pretty sure she's mine.

Me: Cool. Okay, you're very detail-oriented.

LH: Yes, I am.

Me: As a matter of fact, you have OCD.

LH: Mm-hmm.

Me: Which makes you do crazy things.

LH: Occasionally, yes.

Me: Like organize the bejeezus out of your canned goods...

LH: No, 'cause I don't have very many of them.

Me: Spices?

LH: Nope. But everything has its own Tupperware container.

Me: Your pantry is very well-organized.

LH: Mm-hmm.

Me: It's very bare. Well, compared to mine.

LH: So, by bare, do you mean you open the door and don't have fifteen things falling out at you?

Me: Shut up. You dress your husband up like a doll.

LH: Yeah, but he really doesn't wear the lipstick very well anymore.

Me: But my question to you is, why don't I find him more attractive?

LH: He's not tall enough.

Me: Is that it? Okay.

LH: He's got all the other characteristics, but he's not tall enough.

Me: Like what other characteristics? What do I find attractive in a man?

LH: Judging on your husband?

Me: Uh...

LH: A nerd.

Me: Yes.

LH: Have you met my husband?

Me: He's certainly a nerd.

LH: And you like 'em with hair, and mine doesn't have that either, so it might be the hair and the height thing.

Me: Really?

LH: Mm-hmm.

Me: Well, my husband is losing his hair. Oh, but the money helps.

LH: Yeah, that helps.

Me: Yeah. Totally. Anyhow, you're writing a novel, tentatively titled "Retail Hell."

LH: Yeah, kinda.

Me: Okay. Isn't it an odd title for an atheist such as yourself who doesn't believe in Heaven or Hell?

LH: You would think. I believe there's levels of Purgatory, and the retail jobs I worked...

Me: Yeah. And Walmart, too.

LH: That's the seventh circle.

Me: True enough.

LH: I like Dante's Allegory a lot, which is why I tend to think in circles of Hell, because I think, honestly, the reason I don't believe in Heaven or Hell is because I've seen them both, and they're on this planet, sometimes right next door to each other.

Me: That's true. Yeah.

LH: Like a massage place next to Walmart. Heaven and Hell.

Me: Speaking of Heaven, how are my girls lookin' today?

LH: Fan-freaking-tastic.

Me: Would you say spectacular, maybe?

LH: I might. Yeah, I might.

Me: Okay, time for rapid-fire questions.

LH: Ah, man! That means I have to stop eating. Okay.

Me: Okay, there's no right or wrong answers here.

LH: Unless you say they're wrong.

Me: I might say they're wrong.

LH: Alright.

Me: Of course, I can always edit this. No one would know. There's no record.

LH: That's true. You really wanna be Stephen Colbert, don't you?

Me: Ooo, that's one of my questions! Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart?

LH: On doability or watchability?

Me: Um, yes.

LH: Jon Stewart for doability; they're both pretty watchable.

Me: Okay. Good answer. Christmas trees--real or fake?

LH: Real.

Me: That's the wrong answer.

LH: I told you.

Me: Boxers or briefs?

LH: Boxer briefs.

Me: Oh, you're getting all tricky. God or eternal damnation?

LH: I'm gonna have to go with eternal damnation for 400, Pat.

Me: You say that now. Well, that was really all of them that I had.

LH: Okay.

Me: Is there any, like, closing statement you'd like to make?

LH: Your breasts are spectacular?

Me: Thank you! I know! Well, yours aren't half bad.

LH: Blah, blah, blah, BOOBS!!

Me: Thank you, Mike. Are there any questions that I should have asked you that I didn't?

LH: I don't know. Depending on how narcissistic you want to get...

Me: Yes?

LH: How many more questions did you want to ask me about you?

Me: Ooo, ask away!

LH: So, uh, is this precious little cherub that's standing in here right now (Ethan) the entire reason that you made Ron listen to "The Final Countdown" on the way to his vasectomy appointment?

Me: Yes.

LH: Okay! You know I cannot listen to that song anymore without thinking of Ron!

Me: It was hilarious!

LH: I'm sure it was.

Me: God was smiling down upon me that day.

LH: Mm-hmm.

Me: What else would you like to ask me?

LH: Hmm. I'm thinking. I did not have the forethought to write them down.

Me: Yeah, me neither.

LH: Do I strike you as the typical sorority girl, or am I just far too bitchy for that?

Me: Well, sorority girls strike me as bitchy, so...

LH: Well, there you go.

Me: I'd have to say yeah, you do.

LH: I'm not a size 4, though. Think that could be a problem in some circles?

Me: Only a dog wants a bone. Can I get a what-what?

LH: What-what. Mmm. Quepapas!

Me: Curvy girls rock!

LH: Because we have boobs. Boobs!

Me: Blah, blah, blah, BOOBS!!

LH: Blah, blah, blah, boobs.


Joeprah said...

K, one question, were they heaving? She took eternal damnation? WtFudge? Cool interview. Quite entertaining.

holly said...

toooootally hilarious to the point that i shouldn't have been reading it at work.

let's pretend i didn't.

(i did.)

holly said...

dang it, i was *trying* to say something else before the stupid internet cut me short. yes, the information superhighway merged me off!

anyway - since you guys are closer to it all, could you kindly convince mr stewart to break the writer's strike? i am starting to get a bit pissy that i can't watch any daily show here. and i don't even GET to watch colbert. stupid europe and their stupid non-american-tv-show-having.

Jo Beaufoix said...

That was hilarious.
And curvy girls are fabulous.

Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Ok, I don't know if I'm just confused or stupid. I AM from Alabama, so it must be stupid.

Queen of Shake-Shake

Mike said...

You just put a link to me in there to see if I'd read that far. And, of course, I did! And I even enjoyed it!


missburrows said...

So about those spices, are they organized alphabetically or by usage?

Kimberly said...

That is the weirdest post I've ever read.

Loved it. No, not loved, I luuuuurved it.

Avery Gray said...

Joe--just for you, my bosoms are heaving. Happy now?

Holly--I'll do my darnedest to make your wish come true, if by darnedest that means doing nothing. I don't think proximity improves my chances of affecting change in that capacity. Sorry!

Jo--thank you! I think so, too!

Heather--you transcend my humor. I am not worthy!

Mike--no, you just happened to sink to our level of wit. We feel a kinship with you. You and your love of boobs.

Miss Burrows--by usage. How bizarre is that?

Kimberly--so, weird in a good way, then?

Emma Sometimes said...

That was like reading a Barbara Walters special while smoking wacky tobacky. I've never smoked wacky tobacky (cause I'm weird that way) but I would only believe that is how it sounded.

You guys are a riot.

Ryan said...

I never thought i would laugh so much reading an interview with two people I know absolutely nothing about. I'm glad I stumbled on your blog!

Dapoppins said...

I read half of this...does that count? I come over here...all the time. Trying to think of a way to do an ODE to Avery post...cause You are the only blogger I know who eggs her own house for the entertainment value.

P.S. why didn't you interview me? I have more children then that LH girl. I am also older--that means more life expiernce...or is it a college thing. No...I took classes, but I didn't actually go to college. My husband did. Lots of college. But i was busy traveling the world. Really. I have been to communist Romania! Yes. So I would be a really cool interview. I am so hurt that you didn't think of me to do an entire post with. HURT I tell you.

Avery Gray said...

Emma--wacky tobacky? Just say no! That's my motto.

Ryan--I'm glad you stumbled on it, too! Thanks for the comment.

Dapo--you want me to interview you, and you didn't even read the whole thing?! Can I expect the same thing in the middle of the interview process? Will you just wander away and start talking to your plants instead?

I'm kidding! Of course, I'll interview you! Heck, I'll interview your plants. That should make for a weird post.

meleah rebeccah said...

that was an AWESOME conversation. It was very Seinfeld-esque.

Terri said...

That was highly entertaining and humorous, but the main thought this interview leaves me with is, "Damn, I wish I had bigger boobs."

Dapoppins said...

Avery...you funny. I have ONE plant in my home. ONE! I water it ever six months and the rest of the time I forget it's existence...so, are you saying something by wanting to interview my plant?

Dapoppins said...

P.S. I did see something about boobs at the end of the post...

loveyh said...

HA! I never thought our random rantings would generate this much interest.

Dapop--I'll raise ya. I was in Russia in 1994...post-Cold War. Crazy shiznit, I tells ya. And..I've helped raise more kids than you have (nanny). And, well, I've known Avery since we kicked it in school old school style, yo.


Michelle said...

Yup, that sounds about right for one of your conversations (and I'm talking to both of you!) :) Cracks me up, I tell you what (and no, there is no good reason why, in Colorado, I would pick up hick talk, but sometimes, it happens).