Me: Hello, Lovey.
LH: Hello, Avery.
Me: How are you this fine day?
Me: Tell me about it.
LH: Working late will do that to you.
Me: That's a great story. You should tell it at parties.
LH: Shut up.
Me: Alright. Lovey...
LH: As I stuff my face full of breadsticks.
Me: They're delicious. Anyhow, you're a hardworking--
LH: Am I supposed to be laughing at hardworking or wife?
Me: Both. Wife, mother, president of something or other...
LH: The House Corporation of Willamette University Pi Beta Phi?
Me: Yeah, that.
LH: Yeah, that. Oregon Gamma!
Me: Woo! Go...
LH: Come on! You went there. You should know what the mascot is.
Me: It's a Bearcat.
LH: Very good.
Me: Yeah, it's pretty awesome.
Me: You know, I drew a picture one time. It was one of our first assignments. Just to get off the subject.
LH: Because we always do.
Me: I gave it the ears of a bear, and the tail of a cat.
Me: I don't know what a bearcat is.
LH: Hey, if you're gonna call it a bearcat, it might as well look like a bearcat.
Me: I still have no idea what it is. Okay. Anyhow. Lovey?
Me: You're a hardworking wife, mother, and president of the blah, blah, blah...
LH: Blah, blah, blah. Alright. So, the girls will be from... 'Where's blah, blah, blah?'
Me: But what people really want to know is, how often do you read my blog?
LH: Every three or four days.
Me: Every three or four days?!
Me: Not every day?
LH: Not every day.
LH: 'Cause I don't have time to read it every day.
LH: (to a chorus of screaming children) Can you tell why?
Me: No. So anyhow...you know how witty and droll I am?
LH: Of course.
Me: Some people even say sarcastic.
Me: What are your thoughts on that?
LH: I say those people should be poked in the eye with a rusty screwdriver.
Me: That is violent.
LH: Little bit, yeah.
Me: Yeah, so when you say you're a feminist...
Me: Doesn't that really mean that you just let too many guys get to second base?
LH: Third if they were really cute. No, it means that I had people accuse me of being a lesbian, and a manhater, and a Nazi, and in one very...memorable instance, I had somebody appalled that I was actually married.
Me: Really? Why?
LH: Well, because 'feminists are gay.'
Me: Of course, they are.
LH: I'm like, alrighty then. I'll go tell my husband that. He'll be interested to know.
Me: And they have mullets, too.
LH: Apparently. Although if you ever watch Survivor, you know that's no longer the case.
Me: Oh, really? What's going on on Survivor?
LH: You'll have to read the Denise thingy.
LH: Denise was married with a mullet. Because she was a lunch lady, so she had to keep her hair short, but she still wanted to feel feminine for her husband, so she kept it long in the back.
Me: Business and party?
Me: That's funny. You know what's not funny?
Me: I was going to say genocide, but syphilis works, too.
Me: Speaking of kids, yours are adorable.
LH: Yes, they are.
Me: Are either of them yours?
LH: Um, with Bran, that's kind of a toss-up because I don't remember much about his birth and delivery.
LH: Paige, I'm pretty sure she's mine.
Me: Cool. Okay, you're very detail-oriented.
LH: Yes, I am.
Me: As a matter of fact, you have OCD.
Me: Which makes you do crazy things.
LH: Occasionally, yes.
Me: Like organize the bejeezus out of your canned goods...
LH: No, 'cause I don't have very many of them.
LH: Nope. But everything has its own Tupperware container.
Me: Your pantry is very well-organized.
Me: It's very bare. Well, compared to mine.
LH: So, by bare, do you mean you open the door and don't have fifteen things falling out at you?
Me: Shut up. You dress your husband up like a doll.
LH: Yeah, but he really doesn't wear the lipstick very well anymore.
Me: But my question to you is, why don't I find him more attractive?
LH: He's not tall enough.
Me: Is that it? Okay.
LH: He's got all the other characteristics, but he's not tall enough.
Me: Like what other characteristics? What do I find attractive in a man?
LH: Judging on your husband?
LH: A nerd.
LH: Have you met my husband?
Me: He's certainly a nerd.
LH: And you like 'em with hair, and mine doesn't have that either, so it might be the hair and the height thing.
Me: Well, my husband is losing his hair. Oh, but the money helps.
LH: Yeah, that helps.
Me: Yeah. Totally. Anyhow, you're writing a novel, tentatively titled "Retail Hell."
LH: Yeah, kinda.
Me: Okay. Isn't it an odd title for an atheist such as yourself who doesn't believe in Heaven or Hell?
LH: You would think. I believe there's levels of Purgatory, and the retail jobs I worked...
Me: Yeah. And Walmart, too.
LH: That's the seventh circle.
Me: True enough.
LH: I like Dante's Allegory a lot, which is why I tend to think in circles of Hell, because I think, honestly, the reason I don't believe in Heaven or Hell is because I've seen them both, and they're on this planet, sometimes right next door to each other.
Me: That's true. Yeah.
LH: Like a massage place next to Walmart. Heaven and Hell.
Me: Speaking of Heaven, how are my girls lookin' today?
Me: Would you say spectacular, maybe?
LH: I might. Yeah, I might.
Me: Okay, time for rapid-fire questions.
LH: Ah, man! That means I have to stop eating. Okay.
Me: Okay, there's no right or wrong answers here.
LH: Unless you say they're wrong.
Me: I might say they're wrong.
Me: Of course, I can always edit this. No one would know. There's no record.
LH: That's true. You really wanna be Stephen Colbert, don't you?
Me: Ooo, that's one of my questions! Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart?
LH: On doability or watchability?
Me: Um, yes.
LH: Jon Stewart for doability; they're both pretty watchable.
Me: Okay. Good answer. Christmas trees--real or fake?
Me: That's the wrong answer.
LH: I told you.
Me: Boxers or briefs?
LH: Boxer briefs.
Me: Oh, you're getting all tricky. God or eternal damnation?
LH: I'm gonna have to go with eternal damnation for 400, Pat.
Me: You say that now. Well, that was really all of them that I had.
Me: Is there any, like, closing statement you'd like to make?
LH: Your breasts are spectacular?
Me: Thank you! I know! Well, yours aren't half bad.
LH: Blah, blah, blah, BOOBS!!
Me: Thank you, Mike. Are there any questions that I should have asked you that I didn't?
LH: I don't know. Depending on how narcissistic you want to get...
LH: How many more questions did you want to ask me about you?
Me: Ooo, ask away!
LH: So, uh, is this precious little cherub that's standing in here right now (Ethan) the entire reason that you made Ron listen to "The Final Countdown" on the way to his vasectomy appointment?
LH: Okay! You know I cannot listen to that song anymore without thinking of Ron!
Me: It was hilarious!
LH: I'm sure it was.
Me: God was smiling down upon me that day.
Me: What else would you like to ask me?
LH: Hmm. I'm thinking. I did not have the forethought to write them down.
Me: Yeah, me neither.
LH: Do I strike you as the typical sorority girl, or am I just far too bitchy for that?
Me: Well, sorority girls strike me as bitchy, so...
LH: Well, there you go.
Me: I'd have to say yeah, you do.
LH: I'm not a size 4, though. Think that could be a problem in some circles?
Me: Only a dog wants a bone. Can I get a what-what?
LH: What-what. Mmm. Quepapas!
Me: Curvy girls rock!
LH: Because we have boobs. Boobs!
Me: Blah, blah, blah, BOOBS!!
LH: Blah, blah, blah, boobs.