Monday, December 10, 2007

The Moment You've All Been Waiting For...

Is the anticipation killing you? Or did you completely forget that you'd entered a contest, and that the results would be announced today?

It's okay. I won't take it personally if it's the last one.

Really. *sniff* I won't.

Because, as it turns out, only two of you knew me well enough (or at least were lucky enough guessers) to select the right answer.

Which was?

Well, before I tell you that, let me tell you what it was not.

The truths...

1) I was born in a hospital waiting Cesarean.
TRUE: The hospital where I was born, in the spring of 1977, was undergoing extensive remodeling for the first time in 50 years. Because of this, the number of labor and delivery rooms was drastically diminished until the renovations were complete. If the hospital admitted more laboring moms than they had rooms for, certain other rooms were utilized as overflow rooms--the waiting room where I was born being one of them. To prove the expression truth is stranger than fiction, my mom was not the only woman delivering in the room at the time. The other woman gave birth to a healthy baby girl named Katherine. She would later become my best friend in fourth grade (though at the time we had no idea of our connection. We just thought it was cool that our birthdays were on the same day.)

2) I have never used an electric toothbrush for anything other than its intended purpose.
TRUE: Though I'm surprised that 17 of you thought I had. I do not want to know where your minds are, people.

3) My timed score on Bejeweled is better than my untimed score.
TRUE: And here I thought that made me some sort of Bejeweled master. Turns out I'm not. My high score on untimed Bejeweled (which, for those of you who have never played, is a highly addictive, pleasantly mind-numbing puzzle game) is 25,680 points. Timed is 28,430. Still nowhere near the high scores of some avid losers players out there who score in the millions, but pretty respectable nonetheless.

5) I was a high school Mathlete, but I was the weakest link on the team.
TRUE: Though only two of you guessed this, and that was only because it was one of the least guessed responses, it is true. I don't know how to feel that more of you didn't choose this. Good, because you think I'm intelligent enough to snag a spot on the prestigious Mathletes team, or not so good, because it comes as no surprise to you that I was the weakest link. Well, I'll have you know, the team was made up of five people--two of the four valedictorians, the salutatorian, an Asian kid, and me. How could I not be the weakest link?

6) I almost died of hypothermia once in college when I was locked in a parking garage overnight and the temperature dropped below freezing.
TRUE: The parking garage where I normally parked was closed, but I was told by the parking attendant that there was another parking garage closer to my dorm that I could park in. So I did. I had plans to meet my boyfriend for dinner downtown the next night, so I made my way to the parking garage, and up to the top level where my car was parked. Unfortunately, that particular parking garage was privately owned, and the gates were pulled down and the doors locked at six. If this makes any sense, you could get IN the structure through the doors in the stairwell, but you couldn't get OUT without a code. Since this was before the age of widespread cell phone use, I didn't have one, so I spent the worst night of my life huddled in the backseat of my car. I was woken up at four the next morning by a security guard banging on my window. He took me to the hospital where I was hooked up to IV's and put under a warming blanket. The kicker? The parking garage where I normally parked WAS the hospital parking garage. The one I was in was only two blocks away from the hospital. To this day, parking garages make me nervous.

7) I have never killed a man just to watch him die, but sometimes I'd like to.
TRUE: I'd like to kill whoever designed that damn parking garage. And child abusers mostly. But sometimes, God help me, I would love to bring my own brand of sweet, sweet justice down on the jackasses who wait until the last second to merge in traffic, then cut me off. Road rage? Not quite. Because I'd never act on it. But that doesn't mean I can't fantasize about it, right? Oh, and magazine salespeople who want you to high five them? They're on my list, too. I'm not the only one who feels this way, am I? Come on, people. Who's on your list?

So, that only leaves...

The lie.

4) I am a Republican, born into a family of damn dirty Democrats.
FALSE: Two of you saw through this load of malarkey--Sheila and Lazy Iguana. What threw some of you was probably the inclusion of the "I am a Republican". That part, as some of you know, is true in that I vote mostly Republican (read more than 50%). But I come from a family of STAUNCH Republicans (read 100%). So, to them, I am the liberal. Hey, whatever. I vote my conscience, not my party line.

And, yes, I think Bush is a doof.

So, now's the time to announce which of these two intuitive individuals won the drawing. I'd like to commend you both for your efforts, but as you know, there can only be one grand prize winner. And that person is.....

The Lazy Iguana!!

Congratulations, Ig! Send me an e-mail (avery.gray at with the prize you'd like to select from the list and mailing info, and your holidays will soon be merry and bright!

And thanks to all who entered! Hope you had fun!!


Mike said...

I demand a recount!

Oh, wait, nevermind. You'll just get your Supreme Court lackeys to affirm your choice.

M@ said...

I doubt he knew that you vote republican more than 50% of the time, though. ANd if not the toothbrush, what?

The Lazy Iguana said...

I have voted for Republicans before. I figured that with Bill Clinton in the White House and Republicans in Congress - nothing would get done and this would be a good thing. My plan backfired when Bush was elected however. I will never make the same mistake again.

holly said...

my list includes virus-writers. ooooooooooooooooooh i hate them. hate them so much. i hated them particularly much last week when i lost two hours of my precious precious life to the consequences of downloading another antivirus program without forgetting to uninstall the outdated one first. (okay, really that's my fault, but i wouldn't have to do it if it weren't for the bloooody virus-writers. ) i couldn't get on *my* dang machine for love or money. and believe me, i was pimping both out freely.

Mya said...

Fascinating stuff. I was CONVINCED it was the toothbrush...I guess that says more about me than you...I have used mine for cleaning the tile grouting - works a treat!

Mya x

Doozie said...

I have to tell you, the devils game, aka bejeweled has caused me some trouble in life. My high score is over 80,000. I hope this makes you feel better about your addiction, would you like to start a 12 step program?

ps, no one guessed the joe dirt trivia except you and albeit you were wrong, your efforts have landed you a prize. If you email me your addy, I will send that out forthwith. By the way, Joe's last name was Nunamaker

Dapoppins said...

There was a contest? Hey, um... bout those stlish sock of yours. I could use some luck.

Kimberly said...

Mya stole my comment. Phooey on her.

The Lazy Iguana said...

When I point to my picture in your blog post, the "related searches" were

Optimus Prime (cool), autism (WHAT THE CRAP!?!?!?!), Christmas Lights, anywho, and Avery.

Really now. Autism? How is this a related search to a generic photo of a green iguana?

meleah rebeccah said...

Yeay! Congrats lazy Iguana.

The mystery of Avery revealed.

(I gotta say these answers were FABULOUS)

Avery Gray said...

Mike--stow it!

M@--I know. He's probably crushed that I'm a conservative. He's taking the disappointment well, though. All things considered. (And I'm sure you can come up with some ideas about the toothbrush. You're a creative guy.)

Lazy--I think it backfired on all of us. But I'm not giving up hope just yet.

Holly--if they're on your list, they're on my list. Virus writers must perish!

Mya--I've also heard jewelry polishing, though I've never tried. I use the brush that comes with my cleaning solution when I polish my rock.

Dooz--I am im-pressed! 80,000?! That makes my 28,000 look so tiny and insignificant. Oh, and I'm standing by my previous answer of Nuttermaker, but I will gladly take your beautiful (possibly weird) handcrafted ornament. I've got the perfect spot for it on the tree. Thanks!

Dapo--I'll rent them out for a nominal fee. ;o)

Kimberly--yeah, she's that way!

Lazy--really? 'Cause when I do it, it says Avery, Optimus Prime, Hannah Montana, free wii, and Christmas lights. No Autism, lucky you!

Avery Gray said...

Meleah--thank you! I hope you had fun!

R said...

no fair.

Lizzi said...

LOL at Mike's comment! Aw, Avery honey ... I may have to rethink our friendship now! ;)

WorksForMom said...

I'm bummed I miss the contest (story of my life); this was such a CLEVER idea Avery. Ditto on Bush's doof. :)

Sheila said...

I was sooo close!! Congrats to the Lazy Iguana!

Mrs. Furious said...

holy shit on the parking garage story

Mert said...


You kill me, lady :D

meleah rebeccah said...

I did have fun. I ALWAYS have FUN on this blog.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Who/what is a "Hannah Montana"???

Try it again. The results are slightly different each time. But not that different.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Never mind. I Googled Hannah Montana. CREEPY! How does my actual real photograph get linked to an underage teenage girl? Are there a bunch of 15 year old boys searching for pictures of iguanas and then Hannah Montana? Who knows.

Sometimes real life is crazier than anything I could make up.

Joeprah said...

I think the toothbrush is calling! Liar! LOL! Fun stuff.

Mishelle ( said...

I was certain that you used the toothbrush to clean a gun!

Oh, The Joys said...

Doof is my new favorite word.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Bush is definitely a doof. And scary stuff with the garage thing. Blimey.