Monday, December 31, 2007

Resolutions, Shmesolutions

Every year around this time, I feel compelled to resolve to change something about myself. I like to call this phenomenon "New Year's Resolutions", since, if you mark your calendar, you will notice that tomorrow is the first day of a new year.

(We really should start celebrating these things. Maybe drop a huge ball in Times Square or something. Let's make a note for next year.)

And every year, around January 12th or so, I take stock of my progress and note that I have failed in my resolves catastrophically.

Every year. Without fail.

Hey, at least I'm consistent, right?

Well, knowing that I unerringly fail got the rusty cogs in my brain whirring. If resolutions don't work, I thought, why not make anti-resolutions?

And call them Shmesolutions! (Patent pending.)

Now are you pickin' up what I'm layin' down?

Here's how Shmesolutions work...

Let's say, in the past, I had resolved to lose weight. Then, about two weeks later, I stepped on the scale and was dismayed to find that I hadn't lost a pound, and took sweet, delicious solace in a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia.

Mmmm... Ice cream...

Not only did I not lose any weight, I probably gained roughly 225 pounds before the year was through.

Okay, that's a tad exaggerated. It only took about 11 months.

The point is, I set myself up for failure by resolving to make the changes I wanted to make. What if I had resolved to gain weight instead? The pounds would have flown off!

Brilliant!

This year, in addition to gaining weight, my list of Shmesolutions includes things like:

  • Sabotage Ron's career so we can finally make less money.

  • Encourage Ethan to watch more television and subsist on Crisco and Gatorade.

  • Write less.

  • Park in handicap spaces more.

  • Develop an addiction to crack cocaine.

I'm feeling really good about this. I think I have a shot at being spectacularly unsuccessful at this, thus ensuring a great 2008.

So, what are your Shmesolutions this year?

***

Have a safe and happy New Year everyone!!

14 comments:

wornoutwoman said...

This is hilarious! Love it...Happy New Year! PS...my husband's eating his pint of ice cream as I type! He has shmesolutions down pat already!

The Lazy Iguana said...

Those are great resolutions. I would add the following to the list.

Streak your place of employment (or nearest amusement park), while yelling "KILLER BEES! KILLER BEES!"

You could make the evening news.

I resolve to.....have a Sam Adams Winter Lager! And so I shall.

Happy New Year. I think this may be the first comment on your blog this year.

The new wall is a lot more friendly than the old wall.

The Lazy Iguana said...

All you people not in my time zone are killing me.

Natalie said...

Hahaha! Love it!

I usually stick to my resolutions for six or eight months and then completely screw it up in the last four months.

I decided not to write mine down this year. I figure the blogosphere will be overloaded anyhow. But yours? Yes, your Shmesolutions are just what the doctor ordered! Fabulously entertaining!

Jod{i} said...

You write that when you leave my blog, something about classing it up?! OMG! I wanna be you when my blog grows up! This is awesome! Perfect Post Avery!
I like the new layout!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Lis Garrett said...

Of course mine would be to make less money and be a horrible wife and mother. Drink more coffee. Exercise less. Lose my temper more often. Yeah . . . that sounds good.

Have a great 2008!

holly said...

hey? where did my funny comment go? i've been having dud comments for weeks, suddenly i make an amusing one and poof? thanks blogspot.

okay. so this was totally hilarious, obviously, and
my shmesolutions include :
1) shouting at my kids more
2) eating a whole pile of chocolate every day
3) having more you-know-what
4) trashin' my house more
5) not winning the lottery every week

Doozie said...

I totally agree with your anti, reverse resolution thing. I blogged these once but I lost them in what is commonly called a "deletion of blog due to reasons we can't discuss here".

I never make resolutions because frankly? they're dumb. In response to your idea, I resolve to use softer toilet tissue and get my eyes uncrossed

belle said...

Love it! Fantastic idea, Avery. Paid tribute to you over on mine :o)

R said...

I am useless. I never make resolutions. I am against them. You are to resolve to do things every day of the year, why on the first? I think the key is that I hate making a big deal out of the things I resolve to do.

I like yours. I resolve to never pee in the toilet again. Oops. Failed.

Kimberly said...

I'm going to quit smoking this year. I don't smoke so it should be way easy.

monkeysandmarbles said...

oh, that idea RAWKS! i love it!

hmmm....i think i will shmesolve to cut down on my hair product purchases in order to save money....done! ;-)

meleah rebeccah said...

I too have tried and FAILED every single year to maintain any resolution. This year, I am doing something different!

:)

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee. I love this.

I'm going to insist Mr B never does a thing in the house ever again, and eat chocolate for breakfast every day.

And I might give up smoking and scuba diving. No problem.

Oh, and I like the new look.