Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Season of Avoidance

My mom called me five times in the past two days, and until tonight I hadn't spoken a word to her.

Ah, the joys of screening!

The sixth time she called, I picked up the phone. I'm aware this makes me sound like a horrible daughter, but trust me, nothing of note ever passes between us via phone lines. Or rarely ever. Talking to my mother is aggravating at the best of times, and mind-numbingly dull all the rest. Take tonight's conversation for instance:

Mom: "Boy, it sure has been raining hard."

Me: "Yep."

Mom: "So, it's raining there, too?"

Me: "I only live an hour away from you."

Mom: "So, you've been getting rain, too?"

Me: "Yes."

Mom: "Lots of it?"

Me: "I imagine it is roughly the same amount you're getting."

Mom: "Are you getting the big raindrops, too? We've been getting the big raindrops."

Me: *deep sigh*

Mom: "Are the roads wet?"

Are the roads wet?

You think I'm kidding, right? Sadly, no. Every time it rains, which it does a significant amount of time in the Pacific Northwest, the woman asks me if the roads are wet.

One day, God, with His rockin' omniscience and penchant for rib-tickling practical jokes (I'm lookin' at you, platypus!) is going to mess with my mom's head and make the rain fall everywhere but on the roads. And then, won't she be at a loss for words?

Mom: "Are the roads wet?"

Me: "Nope. Roads are bone-dry."

Mom: "They are?"

Me: "Yep."

Mom: "But it's-- You said--"

Me: "What? You callin' me a liar, punk?!"

Alright, I wouldn't call my mother a punk. Especially not after I found out the real reason for the call--she'd sent a check in with their card for Ethan's Christmas gift, and she wanted to know if it arrived. But for the love of all that's holy, does she have to make the idle chit chat to determine that?

Here's how I envision the perfect call from my mom:

Me: "Hello?"

Mom: "Hi, I sent a check in with your Christmas card."

Me: "Got it. Thanks."

Mom: "You're welcome. Love you. Goodbye."

Me: "You, too. Bye."

Do you see the difference? That's called word economy, my friends.

And it's all I want for Christmas.


Doozie said...

Well that ideal phone call would be so boring because it would leave you at a lack for blog fodder. Because seriously? I'm betting we all want to hear more of your moms convo's wherein she delivers bulletins from the Department of the Obvious. It's amusing

Melinda Zook said...

That is hilarious! You are a wham, bam, thank you mam!

Fooferoo said...

At least she doesn't yawn the entire time like my mother does. Apparently I'm as boring on the phone as I am in person :)

meleah rebeccah said...

HA HA HA .....

Are the roads wet? Really? Thats hysterical.

I think you should tell her NO next time.

Your fantasy phone call was perfection.

Doozie said...

Dont you DARE sass me about fugly, I can see your pic and you are not that plus you have to DIE FOR eyebrows. So I can't wait to meet you. And the next time I come over to see em's we are so gonna meet and have a rockin awesome time

The Lazy Iguana said...

This is why I tried to keep my cell phone number a secret for as long as possible.

Avery Gray said...

Sane Dooz--yeah. Amusing. I live to amuse you.

Melinda--well, sometimes, yes. ;o)

Foof--does it really matter who's doing the yawning? Isn't the point that one is bored out of their gourd?! And you're not boring. You're just quiet. Unassuming. Then we read your blog, and we laugh until our sides ache! (You can pay me next time you see me.)

Meleah--thanks! You think my wish will come true?

Loco Dooz--the saddest part about that comment? I have to DIE FOR...eyebrows. Yeah, because you know that's what all the guys are checking out--my bodacious eyebrows. "Get a load of those brows, man! Man, I'd like to pluck those good!"

Avery Gray said...

Ig--wise words, my friend! Wise indeed.

Misssy M said...

Oh I would dearly love to blog about my mother. But for two reasons:

1. I would have room for no other subjects and would have to rename my blog "All about my Mother"

2. I once stupidly sent her the URL of my blog because I thought she's like one of the posts I did about my gran. I know she's probably never even read it (she's the only one in my family never to have been arsed to listen to me on the radio..Thanks for that support there, Mum!) but the damage is done. I would never be able to vent freely.

So how wet are the roads down your way?

holly said...

it looks like she's probably *not* got a 'mummy monday' post in her. well, no, wait, she probably *does*, but there's really only so many times you can inquire about the rain, really.

avery's mom's mummy monday post (note the caps):
"How about it wet now?

And now... is it still wet?

Now try it. Did you actually *touch* the road or are you just assuming the road is wet. Just because something *looks* wet, Avery, doesn't mean it is."

you could have 52 of *those* on your blog! huh? huh?

belle said...

Heheheheee :o) You could always tell her that no the roads aren't wet because you put umbrellas over them moments before the clouds broke ...?

clairec23 said...

That sounds eerily familiar, reminds me a LOT of the women in my family especially my nanny...actually all of our conversations involve me saying something and it being repeated back to me in question form. As in...

Me: Hey, the baby started walking today.

Her: Really, the baby started walking today?

Me: Um, yeah.


Me: I went shopping today.

Her: Really, you went shopping today?

Me: Um, yeah.

And nobody in my family hangs up. They keep talking until I hang up on them. They say goodbye like 50 times but still stay on the phone. In the end I'm like wtf, I have stuff to do and hang up, then I feel bad...for like a minute :)

Anonymous said...

Hee hee!

I love my mom, but our phone conversations are often one-sided as she is a complete monopolizer. And she *loves* to intterupt, which is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. We recently got caller ID, and it's great. Now we know who is calling at dinner time and as we're trying to get three kids in bed.

Oh, I can ALWAYS count on my mother to say, at some point in the coversation, "I just haven't been feeling very well lately." That woman hasn't felt well for the past 30 years.

Lis Garrett

Amy Turn Sharp said...

you so funny
I lerv u

Blondie said...

I almost peed my pants over your rendition of chatting with Mom. She must have come from Florida where it only rains on 1/2 of the street! Reminds me of calls with my mother. If I tell her one of the boys is acting up, she tells me to kick the stupid kid in the knee caps and then send him to play out in the freeway. Moms!

WorksForMom said...

Oh Avery, you are a genius. Me thinks Word Economy should definitely be a name of a blog!

Stop with the un-witty banter, no?

Two Write Hands said...

I can't relate. I can't tell you how excited that makes me. :) But we've all still got our crosses.

meleah rebeccah said...

I hope your wish comes true

Natalie said...

Bwahaha, you crack me up.

From Here to There

Feener said...

ok, that is freaking hysterical. same on my side. oh I LOVE LOVE LOVE my mom, she is the best. but yes the phone calls are riveting at times. sometimes it reminds me of the bubba shrimp conversation from forrest gump. you know, you can make shrimp cocktail, shrimp scampi, bbq shrimp.......oh i feel bad saying it. i love her sooooo

Mert said...

Quick calls with no idle chit chat? What? Noooo they have to hold you hostage on the phone for at least 20 minutes before getting to the point... because it's what you want. If you want to chat then they are suddenly busy.

I just hope I'm not a manipulative person like that when I get older. Sheesh.

It really makes me mad when i say i have to go and I have to keep repeating it because they have to have the last word, and the call has to end on their terms. Controlling people suck.

monkeysandmarbles said...

sounds like the phone calls i have with my dad. i love him with all of my heart...but the man just talks about anything he can just because he wants to talk to you and keep you on the phone...and for that reason, i don't have the heart to tell him i have to go! :)

dawn224 said...

In my house we would make a drinking game out of this. I'm just sayin'.

Bec ( said...

lol I'd be inclined to tell her that the city/town council had erected marquees over the towns roads to keep them dry in the rain.

M@ said...

I called my parents three weeks ago and they said they'd call me next time. I haven't heard from then since.

Kimberly said...

I'm just going to sit here and giggle for awhile in appreciation of that. Ahhh...

Jo Beaufoix said...

Big sigh.
You are so funny Aves.
Can I call you Aves?
You are so funny Ms.Gray, and your mum? Hee hee.
My mum reads my blog so I have to be careful what I write. Sometimes she does stuff and then says, 'You'd better not blog that.'
Tsk. Some people.

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