Friday, December 21, 2007

Tale of the Tasing Lepre-Khan

As in...

Chaka Khan

Chaka Khan

As in little Ms. Avery Gray has shown proficiency in writing lyrics that would make the incomparable Ms. Chaka Khan proud.

Well, maybe not "proud", per se. How about "not cringe"?

Yes, that's it. My lyrics would make her not cringe. Er, my lyrics would not make her cringe. There we go.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

It all started last night, when Ron and I, miserable in our respective ailments (I have a cold, Ron has a fake cold that he always gets whenever I utter the words "my throat's a little sore"), were laying on the couch. Ron was sleeping, which he is known to do from time to time. I was reading a book and hacking up lungs. Ethan was watching "The Grinch" on TV.

Just your ordinary night in the Gray household.

(I know. We're rock stars.)

When all of the sudden, Ron jerks up off the couch and says, "Why did you let him do that?"

I'm looking around wondering what the hell my husband is talking about, and who the "him" in question was.

Ethan? He was sitting scant millimeters from the television and had been since the movie started. And he was looking at his dad like the guy had lost his marbles, too, so I knew it wasn't something he'd done.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

Ron's looking around like he's not quite sure what planet he's on. He points at Ethan.

"Did he shock me?"

"Shock you? From over there?"

"No. Did he come over here and use one of his toys to shock me?"

Now, on any other day, I probably would have let that slide with a "What do you think, jackass?" But not last night. No, last night I was feeling the creative juices flowing.

Some people call it snot. Eh, tomato, tomatto.

So I said, "No. What happened? Did someone shock you?"

Ron, drifting slowly back to reality, shook his head. "It seemed so real. I dreamt that Ethan came over here and used one of his toys to shock me."

"Oh, you mean his My Little Taser? Are you sure it was him and not a leprechaun? They're about the same height, you know. And I do like to dress him up in lederhosen."

Ron's sitting up now, shaking his head and repeating, "It seemed so real."

Well, of course, I can't let it go now. It's not everyday that my super-smart, Spockesque husband accuses my son of tasing him in his sleep. "Seems like that would bruise your meat. Is your meat bruised?"

Ron: "No."

Me: "Tricky leprechauns!"

Ron: "It wasn't a leprechaun. It was a dream."

Me: "That's where they getcha! In your dreams!"

Ron: "Right."

Me: "Haven't you heard the song?"

Ron: "I'm sure I'm going to."

Me: "Don't sound so disappointed! I've been tuning up the old pipes. Just give me a second to remember how it goes."

Of course, I had to do some quick thinking. My experience in bawdy drinking songs is limited at best, but it seemed the most appropriate musical style for such a song. Here's the best I could come up with on such short notice:

Aft' a pint of Guiness
You're always after me Lucky Charms
But sit on a screw and spin-nis
'Cause I'm the Tasing Leprechaun.
Da da da da
Da da da da
Da da da da
Da da da da
Da da da da
Da da da da
Yes, I'm the Tasing Leprechaun.

Even more impressive were the moves I busted. I called it a "jig", but it was more like a cross between Riverdance and the Elaine dance from Seinfeld.

It all went over like a lead balloon.

Man, I just can't get no love.


Sugarplum's Mom said...

BAHAHAHA!! Reminds me of a story my aunt once told me.

She was breast feeding her newborn son in the wee hours of a summer morning while her husband slept next to her. He had his bare back to her and the covers only up to about his waist. I guess the baby let go of the breast and she shot him with milk. About a milisecond later he jumped out of bed screaming about a dream that someone was urinating on him. I'm not sure she was able to stop laughing long enough to explain about the milk.

Kimberly said...

You are so unappreciated down there babe. Come up North. We Canucks appreciate the comic stylin's of gals like yourself.

Natalie said...

Hahahahahaha! It's fun to mess with people when they are in that in between stage of being asleep and awake. Good times. Good times.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Ha ha. Your song was fabulous sweetie. And how mad was that dream. Of course now you could taser him and then say, 'Oh honey. You're having that dream again. Tsk.'

Misssy M said...

Two questions:

1. What are you feeding your husband?

2. Can I have some?

Emma Sometimes said...

hahaha, is there a way to freak him out more? Like have a taser nearby?

Doozie said...

I love the fact they make taser's for the young now. It would have been so fun as a kid to have one of the My Little Taser's. Imagine it!! "you have to eat all of your broccoli"...ZAP

or, It's time for bed...ZAP

The 21st century..damn

M@ said...

Funny. How the hell did he do that!?

Mrs. Furious said...

"I have a cold, Ron has a fake cold that he always gets whenever I utter the words "my throat's a little sore""

Boy does this sound familiar... Mr F is frequently suffering from this very same ailment.

Merry Christmas!

holly said...

oh your hubby sounds like a psychology experiment waiting to happen. and i thought you *were* chaka khan? no? who are you then? and where's chaka's blog?

Anonymous said...

Hee hee! Oh Avery, you always make me laugh!!

Have a wonderful holiday!

Lis Garrett

Mya said...

Okay, that's decided it. I'm asking Santa for a taser gun. What larks we shall have!

Merry Christmas Avery, Ron and Ethan.

Mya x

Gunfighter said...

Don't Tase me, bro!