(We really should start celebrating these things. Maybe drop a huge ball in Times Square or something. Let's make a note for next year.)
And every year, around January 12th or so, I take stock of my progress and note that I have failed in my resolves catastrophically.
Every year. Without fail.
Hey, at least I'm consistent, right?
Well, knowing that I unerringly fail got the rusty cogs in my brain whirring. If resolutions don't work, I thought, why not make anti-resolutions?
And call them Shmesolutions! (Patent pending.)
Now are you pickin' up what I'm layin' down?
Here's how Shmesolutions work...
Let's say, in the past, I had resolved to lose weight. Then, about two weeks later, I stepped on the scale and was dismayed to find that I hadn't lost a pound, and took sweet, delicious solace in a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia.
Mmmm... Ice cream...
Not only did I not lose any weight, I probably gained roughly 225 pounds before the year was through.
Okay, that's a tad exaggerated. It only took about 11 months.
The point is, I set myself up for failure by resolving to make the changes I wanted to make. What if I had resolved to gain weight instead? The pounds would have flown off!
This year, in addition to gaining weight, my list of Shmesolutions includes things like:
- Sabotage Ron's career so we can finally make less money.
- Encourage Ethan to watch more television and subsist on Crisco and Gatorade.
- Write less.
- Park in handicap spaces more.
- Develop an addiction to crack cocaine.
I'm feeling really good about this. I think I have a shot at being spectacularly unsuccessful at this, thus ensuring a great 2008.
So, what are your Shmesolutions this year?
Have a safe and happy New Year everyone!!