Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Ah, Fiddlesticks!

Having a Wii has brought out the worst in me.

I'm a swearing swearer.

Well, in a totally non-swearing way. I say "fudge" a lot. And I don't mean that I say the actual "f dash dash dash" word, and this is just my inoffensive means of proclaiming myself a potty mouth. I mean I literally yell, "Fudge!"

Yep. Bad ass all the way.

Being lame is nothing new to me. When all my friends in high school were cursing up a storm, reveling in their cooler than cool, devil-may-care teenage rebelliousness, my vocal chords would actually seize around the words I knew were forbidden. And they'd come out sorta like...




Yep, that's right. I couldn't even say the word "damn" without blowing it. Never mind the word "blowing". It sounded kinda like "blomm..."

Blame it on my parents and their moral fortitude (read STRICT parenting). If they heard you say so much as "crap", you were grounded for a week. And God forbid they heard you taking the Lord's name in vain.

You'd be meeting Him soon.

The habit of non-swearing is deeply ingrained in me. Though I've gotten past the worst of the debilitating bouts of stuttering that accompany most of the tamer expletives, me and the f-word still have a somewhat contentious relationship. We have our differences, but we're working on it.

Case in point: for those of you who don't know me well, I have a 21-year-old stepson, Shawn.

(Pause for exclamations of "No way! You look so young! How old is your husband anyhow?!")

Yes way. I'm thirty. My husband is a young forty-two. And, yes, I'm well aware that I'm closer in age to his son than to him. Good thing for my husband that I've known since kindergarten, when Mark, a fifth grader from down the street, planted a big ol' wet one on me that younger guys do absolutely nothing for me. It was older men from then on out.


Anyhow, Shawn used to live with us when he was in high school, and he seemed to have none of the hang-ups about swearing that I did. He and his dad both have the mouths of sailors. When one day Ron was talking to him from another room, Shawn hadn't heard what Ron said, and asked me to repeat it.

So, I did.

And Shawn's sailorfied mouth fell to the floor.

"You just said fuck!"

I looked at him, pondering the words I'd repeated, and sure enough, he was right. I'd said it. Me, who could write the word until my hand turned blue, but who could never, ever so much as whisper it aloud. I said it plain as day.

"You're right, I did say fuck. Ha! I just did it again!"

Both Ron and Shawn beamed with pride at my monumental accomplishment, but inside I was on the verge of panic.

What if Mom finds out?!


Rima said...

You are so funny. I had the same kind of upbringing, but as soon as I left my parent's house, my potty mouth just exploded all over the place.

The other day I was on the phone with my mom when I noticed the J-dog in the process of pulling a rather bulky piece of furniture down on himself across the room from me and I yelled, "No, J-dog!!! JEEZUS!!!!"

I'll probably have to go to confession sometime later this week.

The Casual Perfectionist said...

That is hilarious! I think your parents and my parents were cut from the same cloth. I didn't really swear until college...and then I did for quite a while (in the appropriate context and company, of course...even though my mother would say there is no appropriate context, etc...). It felt so freeing. Now that I have a parrot, er, I mean toddler, we don't really swear any more here. It's the funniest thing in the world to hear my previous-sailor-mouthed hubby call someone a ding-dong. HA.

Huckdoll said...

Haha! To be honest, I've become MORE potty mouthed since C&L were born, however, I do the whole "fudge" and "sheet" thing during awake hours. After hours, I swear like a sailor - if anyone's listening. Which is a rarity :)

Flip Flop Momma said...

son of a blankity blank..


dawn224 said...

hee hee hee. I always know I'm at the end of a frayed rope when GD keeps popping out.

Have you seen Boys on the Side? There's a scene where they teach how to say the c word - it's awesome :)

Meleah Rebeccah said...

you are so damned funny

"It was older men from then on out.


DITTO! xoxo

Bec said...

hehe that's why I write under a pseudonym. Coz serious, what if mum knows I know stuff about...stuff. I'm fairly sure she thinks Erin was adopted :lol:

belle said...

I had the same sort of upbringing - I was once grounded for saying 'Sugar!' ...! I ended up bi-lingual, one language for home and one for school. Be warned, though, the arrival of my thirties liberated me linguistically and now I'm in my forties ... well, aint nothing stopping me!

Stephen said...

I used to have the same hang-ups...until I worked for this company. Now 'damn', 'shit', and worse (still can't bring myself to type the f-word except as part of WTF) are commonplace. I gotta get out of there. It's giving me a pottymouth. :)

holly said...

i had that one too. mmmm. soap is so yummy. NOT! damn, ma! step off!

then there was the divorce, and my mom's much-more-evil twin came out. and taught me the word. not in a loving, teaching way, but in an "i'm going to kick your f*ing a*" kind of way." oh how we laughed at the butt-kickings.

but i still couldn't say it. now that i'm a mom? i have to say "watch it ma, my kids are listening! sheesh! we say "flip" in this house until bedtime!"

Mike said...

Come on! We all know that swearing, along with smoking, makes us cool.

Immoral Matriarch said...

I curse like a motherfucker.
Cursing wasn't allowed in my home growing up but you'd never know it listening to me!

Congratulations on your fuck.
That's absolutely fan-fucking-tastic. :)

clairec23 said...

:D I'm surprised you can read my blog without feeling guilty some days! My mother was always really strict too but she's getting used to the idea that her children have to grow up sometime. I think it was the appearance of grandchildren that brought that one home!

R said...

Blog...much too powerful...I have high speed....won't load....takes a million years....I can't hack it...I am....drowning....

I will come back and read this when it is done loading.

R said...

Ok, it finally loaded. Whew! Took forever.

My eyes are actually too holy to see this kind of language.

I shudder when people take the Lord's name in vain always. I was taught not to say it or even anything that resembled it, and then once I got older my parents said it all the time. It IS one of the Ten Commandments---which we often forget about. I forget that one all the time.

I am still wondering how I will marry swearing with adulthood---I feel terrible if I accidentally say the Sh word when slamming the door on my toe. Or pulling my toe nail back, which happens often in my house. I am a clutz and a moron, you know. Not a Mormon, a moron.

I guess it is just what you personally feel convicted about. I drink and you don't!!! So there!!!

Jennifer said...

The good thing about being essentially a non-swearer is that when you do let the F word fly you get some ATTENTION! I rather like that.

Natalie said...

I think Stephen and I work at the same place.

I was fairly tame as a teenager with the language though. It wasn't until I joined the Air Force that the words really started spewing forth. Most of the time I can keep my language in check now. Except in the car.

My son has learned that when someone cuts you off, the maneuver is ocassionally called "Motherfucking asshole".

I'm not proud.

Oh and older men? Dated one ten years older, and Little Man's dad is 15 years older.

I think I'm d.o.n.e with much older men.

Avery Gray said...

Rima--nothing wrong with asking for a little assistance from the Son of God. He was a carpenter, you know. He had experience with heavy furniture.

Momma--my husband has the worst potty mouth, but when it comes to our son, if Ethan so much as repeats the word "damn", my husband is the first to correct him. Hypocrite!

Huckdoll--for me it's "shite". That just oozes class. ;o)

Flip Flop--tell it, sister!

Dawn--have not seen that movie, but totally going to now! Thanks!

Meleah--you know it, baby! They have oh so much to teach us! ;o)

Bec--wasn't she?! You don't mean you actually did THAT, do you? I'm shocked and appalled!! ;o)

Stephen--be a rebel. Bring back "egads". Soon all the cool kids will be saying it.

Holly--like, "I'm going to kick your flipping ascot?" That sounds awesome! That will be my new phrase for 2008!

Mike--don't forget what we do behind the shop building! Shhh. It's a secret.

Immoral--with a name like yours, what else would I expect? And thanks ever so fucking much!

Claire--oddly enough, reading it and writing it are not a problem for me, though I do try to keep my blog as expletive-free as possible. (D'oh!) It's speaking it that trips me up.

R--I still try hard not to take the Lord's name in vain, but I'm not going to raise my son in a totalitarian regime like my parents did me. If he swears as a form of personal expression, yet knows when it is appropriate to use that kind of language and when it is not, I'll feel I've done okay. (When he's a teenager, of course. There's nothing more repulsive than an eight-year-old spewing filth. That just reeks of parenting as a form of entertainment, and I'll have no part of that.)

Jennifer--isn't it a riot? My husband knows I am dead serious if I ever use foul language. You should see the change that comes over him the minute he hears it come out of my mouth. All the sudden, I've got his full attention. I've trained him well.

Avery Gray said...

Natalie--I've never heard of that maneuver. In our car, it's called a "Son of a Biscuit Eater". As far as the older men go, I'm sure at some point the tables will turn for the younger guys, but older ones still float my boat now. To each her own, I guess. ;o)

Natalie said...

Hehe Avery. Usually I only say it in my head, or if out loud I'll tame it with something like "jerk", but ocassionally out it comes and boy do I feel like a turd.

Oh, and it's not that I think all older men are bad, just that I'm ready to test drive a younger one now. :P

loveyh said...

I could totally spew like a sailor all over this mothafarking board...errr, sorry. :) Want some chocolate?

Lis Garrett said...

First of all, I like the older men, too. I am 30, and my husband is 42 (we met online when it was still taboo). Anywho, I say "effing" a lot. My husband feels pretty comfortable throwing around that word, and I am actually surprised the kids have never said it. My kids get pretty flustered at even mild words like "stupid." My son calls it the "s-t word." My two year old, on the other hand, frequently says "Jesus." Case in point, this morning I cleaned up her rather atroshisly messy room, and she came in and proclaimed, "Jesus, Mom! Thank you!"

Caffeine Court said...

Ah yes-cursing mom syndrome. I know it well. My own children yell at me for cursing..."MOM-that's a BAD WORD!!!" ooops.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee.
I think I'm going to start using Feck. I don't swear much, except, well, I love the word bugger. It has become so normal for me to use that word that E used it the other day without even thinking. Bad Jo.

M@ said...

Oh, for Christ's sake! Am I the only adult who doesn't play video games?

Avery Gray said...

Natalie--hey, baby, you don't have to make excuses to me! I totally get why some women like the younger guys (bow-chicka-bow-bow!) I like vintage. That's just me. ;o)

Lovey--mmmm... Chocolate...

Lis--I don't think we'll be earning any Mother of the Year awards, but that's okay. They'd just be one more thing to dust. ;o)

Jill--gotta love the little snitches! That's funny!

Jo--is bugger really bad? It sounds kinda cute to me. Oh, bugger!

M@--yes. Rectify this immediately.

suchsimplepleasures said...

ok...hilarious!! because, we have a wii, also and...i swear like the truck driver i'm sure my dad is!!! so, i made my son take his wii over to his dads house. because, not only was i swearing from it but so were the kids...and, they would get into boxing matches...not talking about the boxing game that comes with it, either!!
ps...i'm a stepmom, too!! they live with me so...am i a stepmom or, is their biological mom, the stepmom...hmmm

Mert said...

I have a confession... an actual conversation with me would make your toes curl. I have a very foul mouth and sometimes make my husband blush. Actually we have been married almost 19 years , so he's almost over it LOL!

I was sailor, so is that an excuse?

The Casual Perfectionist said...

Hey, Avery! I just sent you an email that deals with this kind of thing...kinda. I'm not sure if it will go in your spam folder or not. Look for it. The link to the video is long, but funny!