I tried to think of something funny to tell you about today, but my heart just isn't in it. It's not that I'm brooding necessarily, but I'm struggling with a sort of moral dilemma, and I honestly don't know what to do.
Think you can help me?
Awhile back, I wrote a post directed at my friend. We'll call her Alison.
Alison and I went to high school together. We ran around in the same circles, so even though we weren't the best of friends, we were fairly good ones. But after graduation, we all went our separate ways, and I lost touch with her.
A couple years ago, we met up again. We caught up on old times, started hanging out again. It was fun, but it quickly became clear to me that she and I were in vastly different places in our lives. I was married and had a child, she was single and still on the prowl.
But more than that, I felt that she still had a lot of growing up to do. This didn't really become clear to me until I set her up with a very good single guy friend of mine, Jon. In theory, they would have been great together. She was a nurse, but she'd always wanted to get married, have some children of her own, and stay home with them. He made the kind of money that she could do that, and he would like nothing more than to have a wife and kids to care for. As a matter of fact, he considers his ex-girlfriend's children, who he'd helped raise for over ten years, as his own, and he's still very involved in their lives.
By the time Alison and Jon had gone on their first date, I truly believe she already considered herself in love with him. By the second date, she was picking out china patterns. She called and texted him incessantly, begged him to let her come over, and complained when he wasn't thrilled that she'd shown up on his doorstep despite the fact that he'd told her he just wanted some time to himself. But the death knell came when she tried to impede on his time with the kids.
She couldn't understand that. She said, "They're not even his kids."
Yes, I explained, by they are important to him. More important than any new relationship. He's their dad, even if he's not their father.
In true Alison fashion, she shrugged it off.
I guess I never really noticed how selfish she was until then. But the more time I spent with her, the more I realized it. When she would call to talk, it was never about me, or about my family, it was about her. Her life, her work, her friends. When I got Ethan into school and finally had some time to myself a couple days a week, she claimed one of those days as "Alison days". And, of course, she would choose how to spend them.
I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I realized she was lonely, and in need of a friend, and I wanted to be there for her. But the more time I spent with her, the more I felt like I was being used.
Eventually she made another single friend at work, and the two of them would go out partying and drinking a lot. They were like two peas in a pod, but Alison's attitude just seemed to get worse and worse, and her decision-making skills just went right out the window. If something felt good, she'd do it, and damn the consequences. It wasn't long before she was alienating lifelong friends.
But she was still lonely, still looking for someone to fill the growing void in her life. When she got back in touch with her high school sweetheart, I urged her not to rush into anything. He was going through a divorce, and there were children involved.
They were engaged two months later.
Since then, she's moved up to where he lives, and is supporting him and his children since he lost his job.
And they're planning to try to take the children away from their mother because of her "mental problems"--i.e. she's bipolar, and Alison claims she's suicidal.
I know this is information that is being fed to her by her fiance, but I'm disgusted with the whole thing. This situation, like every other she has behaved herself into, is going to implode, and she is going to end up hurting those kids.
She doesn't get that it's not just about her anymore. And I'm sick of dealing with the misery she creates.
How do I tell her it's over?
(P.S. I'll try to be funny tomorrow. ;o) )