Friday, January 4, 2008

I Heart Mike...

It was a chill October day late last year when I "met" a man by the name of Mike. He left me a sarcastic comment, and I've been in bloggy love ever since.

Yep, I'm easy that way.

Over the course of the weeks that I've known him, our relationship has devolved into a torrid, seedy Photoshopping affair.


Mike is one of those rare individuals who not only lets me do that to his image, he makes me laugh until my sides ache. He's humble and self-deprecating, and even though he blogs about his groin a lot, he does it in a way that doesn't make me feel dirty inside. He's a devoted family man--married to his wife, Hank, for 11 years, with whom he has an 8-year-old daughter, Daisy--and an at-home computer programmer in the San Fransisco area.

I thought it would be fun to interview him for mah blog, so he graciously let me rake him over the proverbial coals. Talking with him was like talking to an old friend. One in the grips of dementia, but still fun at parties. And here's how it went down...

Mike: So, should we do this interview thing?

Avery: Okay.

Mike: Let me put on my interviewee hat. Fancy!

Avery: Are you ready for your first question?

Mike: Was that it? No.

Avery: Does your interviewee hat have sequins?

Mike: It does not. It's gold lame' (where is the accent mark when I need it?)

Avery: Nice. I have some pants that would go with. Anywho, tell me about your childhood in ten words or less.

Mike: My childhood was excruciatingly normal and well-behaved. 7.5 words!

Avery: Yeah, that's less than 10. Great. But where did the funny come from?

Mike: Hmmm. (that's my thinking noise)

Avery: Yeah, I got that.

Mike: I have no idea. It's not like I was the class clown. I was the mildly amusing nerd guy.

Avery: Kinda like you are now?

Mike: Not much has changed.

Avery: Apparently. Did you see a lot of action? Girls must have thrown themselves all over you. (That's my sarcastic voice.)

Mike: Yeah, I got that. Let's see. I had a "girlfriend" in 6th grade whom I kissed on the cheek once. Then another girlfriend my junior year. I kissed her right on the kisser!

Avery: Whoa, whoa! Tone it down! This is a family blog!

Mike: Sorry. By "kisser", obviously I mean hand.

Avery: Sure. Next question--you run. Are you sure you're not gay?

Mike: I had a gay friend in high school who pretty much thought everyone was gay. However, when it came to me, he was convinced that I was straight. So, there you go.

Avery: Wow. A gay guy without gaydar? What are the odds?

Mike: Proof from the gay community that they reject my gayness. PROOF!

Avery: Mmm hmm. Moving on. What kind of music do you listen to?

Mike: Show tunes. Clay Aiken.

Avery: A little Celine Dion perhaps?

Mike: Oh, she is fabulous. Obviously Barbra.

Avery: Oh, obviously. If you had to choose a theme song, what would it be?

Mike: Hmmmm (again, thinking)

Avery: Again, got it.

Mike: I reject the notion that I need a theme song.

Avery: I don't. Pick one. YMCA?

Mike: Name something by Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken puts the CA in YMCA!

Avery: Well, I'm sure you celebrate his entire catalog, but I don't know any of his songs. Sorry. Okay. You're an at-home programmer who looks a bit like Keanu Reeves if you squint. Do you have a huge Neo complex?

Mike: Surprisingly I do not. I reject Keanu Reeves as a programmer or as a messiah symbol. Steve Jobs is the Messiah.

Avery: Amazing. So, who is cooler, then? Laurence Fishburne or Steve Jobs?

Mike: Nobody rocks the black mock turtleneck harder than Steve Jobs.

Avery: And that is the epitome of cool.

Mike: The very definition of it. It mocks turtlenecks. What's cooler than that?

Avery: Ummm... Nothing comes to mind.

Mike: Good. For a moment there I thought you were a pawn of the turtleneck lobby.

Avery: Scrabble?

Mike: Scrabble is pretty cool.

Avery: You like playing it in your free time?

Mike: I'd prefer to play it during my non-free time, but, yes.

Avery: And you're pretty darn decent at it.

Mike: I'm NATIONALLY ranked.

Avery: La di da!

Mike: Of course, anyone who shows up a tournament and sits in their chair long enough for the game to start will be NATIONALLY ranked. But still.

Avery: You also admire looking at old boobs. Ever consider a career in elder care?

Mike: I'd prefer to look at young boobs, but old boobs are better than no boobs.

Avery: I suppose that's true. If you're into that sort of thing. Which apparently you are.

Mike: I am. Yay boobs!

Avery: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Mike: Eucalyptus. They smell bad and poison the ground around them.

Avery: And feed koalas.

Mike: And I like koalas!

Avery: So there you go.

Mike: They were my favorite animal when I was about 12.

Avery: Mine, too! Did you know (not like you could know, but still...) that I was knocked off a tractor by a eucalyptus tree branch when I was about 10? I almost got run over!

Mike: That was me! Sorry. my bad.

Avery: What? You swinging the branch?

Mike: No, but weren't we pretending that I was some sort of tree? Scroll up, babe.

Avery: Ah. I get it now. Sorry. Hey, who's running this show?

Mike: I'll roshambo you for it.

Avery: Huh?

Mike: Roshambo!

Avery: Huh?

Mike: Rock scissors paper!

Avery: Oh. It's a nerd thing.

Mike: Ro = rock. Sham = scissors.

Avery: Yeah.

Mike: Bo = paper! Duh!

Avery: Why "sham" for scissors? And "bo" for paper?

Mike:,_Paper,_Scissors Look, I don't make this stuff up.

Avery: Ugh. More links.

Mike: Links are bad? Have you seen the Internet?

Avery: Moving on. If there was one thing that you could change about yourself, what would it be?

Mike: Hmmm. I guess I'd like to be able to fly. Yeah, lack of flying.

Avery: Like a superhero? Or in a plane?

Mike: Like a superhero.

Avery: You wouldn't want x-ray vision?

Mike: You only gave me one thing to change.

Avery: You could look at all the boobs you wanted then.

Mike: If you give me 100, I'll add x-ray vision to the list.

Avery: Where does x-ray vision land on the scale?

Mike: Low. Down near my 100th change.

Avery: Wow. Really? Hmmm...

Mike: Sure. Check out http://www.mikes100TopThingsToChange.htm.

Avery: Ugh. More links. What was your worst subject in school?

Mike: PE

Avery: But you run now?

Mike: Not right now, but, yes.

Avery: You weren't active in school? Or you just didn't like getting drilled with the dodgeballs?

Mike: I was a scrawny uncoordinated little nerd. I sucked at PE. Running was the only physical activity I could perform where I could attain mediocrity. All it required was effort instead of skill.

Avery: So that's why it appeals to you! I was wondering.

Mike: That and the fact that it's measured in time. I'm a slave to time.

Avery: Okay, so let's say in fifteen years, your daughter brings home a guy just like you. What would your reaction be?

Mike: I'd encourage her to pick someone who had more ambition.

Avery: You're not ambitious?

Mike: Not traditionally, no. I have no desire to climb the corporate ladder, or boss around a group of minions. Totally unappealing.

Avery: That's because you like working with code. Nobody who writes code likes dealing with living people.

Mike: That's not entirely untrue.

Avery: See? I'm pretty perceptive.

Mike: If only this was about you.

Avery: Shut up. You've never even seen the movie "Tron". How can you call yourself a techie?

Mike: Hmm. I guess I'm just that good.

Avery: You don't know what you're missing. It's got cool special effects. Very futuristic. In a really crappy 80's way.

Mike: I've played the video game. Does that count?

Avery: No. Okay, last one. Convince people to read your blog...nnnnnooow!

Mike: What? There's no reason for people to read my blog. It's mindless drivel. They should send me money though.

Avery: For what? Writing mindless drivel?

Mike: Because I'm a lovable lunk.

Avery: That's true.

Mike: How about a dollar?

Avery: I like your blog. I guess you're worth a dollar.

Mike: Woo hoo!

Avery: Check's in the mail.


M@ said...

I like Mike... Huckabee.

Mike said...

This Mike fellow sounds fantastic! Let's all send him money!

Avery Gray said...

M@--but do you heart him?

Mike--doesn't he, though? He also sounds pretty self-sufficient. Perhaps he should send some money my way. I'm just a poor housewife.

holly said...

you guys really need to get a room. my monitor is just messy now from this steamy episode. honestly, what if my daughter had been reading with me! tsk.

Mert said...

I am really loving your interviews Avery! They are hi-LOL-rious! :D

I like mindless drivel, so I might have to check out Mike. Besides, he does leave a trail of dirty links... how can I not? You don't catch many people giving links in live conversation.

Doozie said...

someone said something about boobs. I'll be back after the meds wear off and my eyes uncross

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee heee. Now I heart Mike too. I will have to go look at his blog. Fabulous interview darling. You rock, or erm, you ro??

Lis Garrett said...

Oy! So stinkin' funy, you two!

Jod{i} said...

LOL This was rich! I could feel my head going back and forth like a tennis game, but not (cuz it would be more like up and down, hence the scrolling and whatnot) but kinda.

Great post!


Avery Gray said...

Holly--sorry. We just can't keep our IM's off each other.

Mert--glad you liked it. Go visit the dirty linker!

Dooz--so, couple weeks then?

JoBo--no, you ro!!

Lis--we tried. Thanks!

Jodi--thank you! That's kinda how I feel sometimes. He's a fast typer.

Momo Fali said...

He likes old boobs? How about young boobs that look old? I have a couple o' pancakes over here he may want to ogle.

Emma Sometimes said...

Ohh, I PUFFY heart Mike. He is funny.

suchsimplepleasures said...

oh, i like him! he's cool! i like the fact that, if he squints, he looks like keanu reeves...i used to like keanu reeves.
anyway...very, very funny interview. i actually read the whole darn thing, without thinking about all the laundry i have to fold!!! that means, good job!
so...i wanted to tell you...i read caffeine court, today...much like any other day. and...i went to google analytics...because you told her to so, i thought i would too. oy vey! really sick, sick, demented people in the world!
have a great night!
gotta go fold laundry, and unload the dishwasher, and change beds...and, maybe, then i'll go to bed!

Doozie said...

very funny

Avery Gray said...

Momo--well, you could ask him. I'm sure he wouldn't turn you down!

Emma--ain't he, though? But you back off, woman! You got enough Clarks to last you a lifetime!

Simple--you read the whole thing? Wow! I didn't expect anyone to get all the way through it! Thanks, babe! (And thanks for the mention on your blog!)

Dooz--I know you are, but what am I?

Dapoppins said...

The interview was so interesting I had to check out Mikes blog. Happily, i found no mention of boobs. I did however, agree with him that Orchid Scented dish washer detergent is just odd.

Meleah Rebeccah said...

That is a GREAT Photo! HA HA HA AHA

Stephen said...

Need a Paypal link. :)