Recent conversation with my four-(going on eighteen)-year-old:
Me: Hey, buddy! How was school?
Me: What did you do?
Him: Played with my girlfriend, Princess Darrien. I love her so much.
Me: You do? That's nice. What do you love about her?
Him: Well, she has a jacket, and I have a jacket...
Me: Sounds like you two have a lot in common.
Him: Yeah. We're going out on a date.
Me: Uh, what?
Him: We're going on a date to McDonald's.
Me (laughing): You are?
Him: I'm going to get Darrien chicken nuggets and fries and a drink. And I'm going to get chicken nuggets and fries and a drink.
Him: I'm going to order a napkin for Darrien. I'm going to pay.
Me: Well, that is very nice of you.
Him: Yeah. And then I'll take her home.
Me: And walk her to the door like a gentleman?
Him: Yeah, and then I'll take her to Mommy and Daddy's room and kiss her on the bed.
Me (no longer laughing): WHAT?!!
Him: And I'll give a beautiful white glass heart bracelet to the lovely Darrien.
Me: Sweetie, you can give Darrien a bracelet, but kissing is for mommies and daddies.
Him: Yeah, I can kiss her. At night I can kiss her on the bed.
Me (making mental note to lock bedroom door from now on): No, Ethan. You can hug your friends, but we don't kiss our friends.
Him (to himself): Yeah, I will lay down and kiss her on the nose. And she can kiss my--
Me: You're grounded. Forever.