Sunday, January 6, 2008

That's No Lady...

Last night, I took my buddy Lovey out for a night on the town to celebrate her 30th birthday.

Hilarity ensued.

I don't think we stopped giggling from the moment our Jimmy Choos hit her monogrammed doormat on the way out of her house. (And she calls me Martha Stewart!)

Since I am an abstainer of spirits, the task of transporting knackered birthday girls (and other assorted revellers) inevitably falls on me. I am the quintessential designated driver--not only am I never tempted to partake of the devil's brew, I'm naturally goofy (read "drunkish"), but without any of those pesky vehicular homicidal tendencies. Hence, I drove.

First we hit Powell's Bookstore to kill some time while waiting for our table at P.F. Chang's. And if you're not familiar with this particular Powell's, let me tell you, it's not somewhere you want to go just to kill time. It is "the largest used and new bookstore in the world...occupying an entire city block."

So you know it's trouble.

Bibliophiles such as ourselves cannot resist the allure of 68,000 square feet of row upon row of booky goodness. It is best to devote hours to a visit to Powell's. Alas, we only had 45 minutes, so we made the most of it.

I found a couple of books to add to my growing TBR shelf. (That's "To Be Read" for all you literary noobs.) But the best find of all was the selection of fridge magnets.

That will be going next to my "A Clean House is a Sign of a Wasted Life" magnet that my mother-in-law loves sooo much.

*cough, wench, cough*

Oh, excuse me. Phlegm.

Anywho, we ate our dinner of Chengdu Spiced Lamb and Phillip's Better Lemon Chicken. Delicious, as always. And, of course, when the fortune cookies came, adding the words "in bed" to the prophetic wisdom within led to rounds of unbridled laughter.

Apparently, Lovey has an excellent sense of honor in her bed, while the time appears right for me to make a new friend in mine.

Oh, those frisky Chinese!

One place where I was virtually guaranteed NOT to find a new bed warmer was the drag show where we capped off the night.

I'm sorry. "Showgirl emulator show."

This is Darcelle of Darcelle XV Showplace, a 77-year-old female impersonator who owns the place and performs in some of the numbers. (Including one where he shows his butt. It ain't pretty.)

Lovey and I were floored by how good some of these guys looked in dresses. (Dare I say a little jealous?) And doing all that dancing in platform stilettos? Hats off to you, girls!

By the end of the performance, Lovey had been felt up, and I got to stuff singles in Tina Turner's brassiere, and had my boobs serenaded.


I mean, come on. How could they not be?

After the "girls" were done with their show, a cowboy by the name of Johnny Steel took the stage in a get-up kinda like this and set to strippin'. Which wouldn't have been a terrible thing, except that he bore more than a slight resemblance to a former friend's loser fiance.

We decided to call it a night.

So, no stories of sordid debauchery. Sorry to disappoint. But we had a great time.

Happy 30th, Lovey! Next time, limo!


Two Write Hands said...

LOL. I need you to come to Indy on my 30th! Sounds like a hilariously fun time.

Mike said...

Female impersonators? Wow, you really DO like San Francisco!

Huckdoll said...

Designated drivers are the MOST special people in the world to their tipsy friends AND drivers (on the road that night) in general. You're awesome for taking the responsibility. Luckily, I've had to do it only once in my entire life so know you have a problem when _____. Heh.

Sounds like a fabulous night!

Also, I am new here via??? Not too sure, but I'm guessing Mr. Lady @ WIMSC or Nat @ From Here To There. Looking forward to reading more!

TheVasquez3 said...

SOOOOOOOO fun!! omg i need a girlfriend close enough to go raise some hell with!!

holly said...

i love it when queen of hearts leans over to me and says, quietly (cuz she's 8 now) "mummy, that's not a lady, is it?!"

oh my god i so want to go to powell's to live.

suchsimplepleasures said...

my 40th is coming up, in 2009...will you drive ;)
sounds like you girls had a great time! happy birthday to your friend, lovey!

missburrows said...

I need an eyebrow intervention. Yours and Lovey's make me sooooo jealous.

Immoral Matriarch said...

I got a boner over Powell's. I'm a nerd.

Sounds like you had a great time - happy birthday to your friend!

Avery Gray said...

Two Write--road trip! Oh, I'm there, man! (So, that's like 12 years away?)

Mike--what's not to love?

Huckdoll--thanks! It's really no skin off my nose to be the DD. I don't drink, so I'm used to it. But I'll take any kind of adoration I can get! ;o) Oh, and welcome! Thanks for stopping by!

Vasquez--have you considered moving to Portland? I hear the girls there are loads of fun! ;o)

Holly--I love the Queen! And if you're planning to move into Powell's, might I suggest the rare books room. It's more private and secure, and less drafty than the rest of the place. Plus, rare books. Score!

Simple--absolutely! Tell me when and where, and I'll be there with bells on!

Miss Burrows--you know, of all my features, my eyebrows are certainly one of them. ;o) Thanks!

Immoral--and that's not easy for a lady to do! Unless you're one of the "ladies" we saw. Then it's probably old hat. Thanks for the friend add on the Buzz!

Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake said...

I suuureeee could use a designated driver for Jan 19th. Wanna go to Mardi Gras with us?

LOVE the magnetic. In fact, that very saying is in my new 2008 planner. No joke! So is the one "ask me about a fabulous career in b*tching!"


Dapoppins said...

you make me sorry I missed the event. A little. Just a little.

Kimberly said...

The rest of the dazzle was lost on me. You had me at Powell's. I. Miss. That. Place. Soooo. Badly. Our local bookstore? Literally the size of a ladies washroom. If that.

Emma Sometimes said...

I was SHOCKED, Darcelle is 77?!! He never looked that old back in...oh..the 80s and early 90s. haha.

I thought I was the only one who added 'in bed' to my fortune cookie.

PF Changs. Hmmm, yummy.

I didn't know that Lovey had her birthday last week. I'll have to go visit her blog...

Good times....very crazy.

R said...

put the girls away!! They too free!!!!

I am actually jealous.

Doozie said...

Um...I'm practically speechless? Except for I do have something to say imagine you're a DD huh..well we will see about that when I come to visit!

you girls look loverly by the way, I can't believe you went to a show like that, it's hilarious.

turning 30 sucks ass

Emma made me go in powells the first time I visited her and I became nauseated and had to leave.

as for PFChangs, I've heard about it but never ate there, I will have to check that out, maybe I can get my tie stuck in the sushi bar motorized belt

Meleah Rebeccah said...

Dod! guys had such a GREAT time...

terri said...

I'm coming back when you have some sordid debauchery to share. What is this world coming to when I come over to your site and there's no sordid debauchery to be had?

Mishi the Drooler said...

This is how this blogpost appeared to me:

words word blah blah blah blah words words yadda yadda siss boom bah...


Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee. I love this post.. Sounds fabulous dwahling. And I would love to go to Powells and party with you two. Happy Birthday Lovey.

Avery Gray said...

Heather--Mardi Gras with the Queen? Now all my dreams have come true! I'm there, baby!

Dapo--you'd have died of embarrassment and you know it! But you were there in spirit.

Kimberly--remind me why you ever moved away again...

Emma--yep, he's 77, and he's owned that place for 41 years! Portland just wouldn't be the same without him!

R--sorry. They have a mind of their own!

Dooz--Darcelle's. Next time you're down. It's a date!

Meleah--we did! We really did!

Terri--gah! Must think of something sordid and debaucherous to keep Terri from leaving... Don't go, Terri! Don't go!

Mishi--there's really no hiding them, so why bother? My husband once said (though he has no recollection of this now) that I would have cleavage in a turtleneck. Ah, the romance...

Jo--next time you're in the area, I'm totally giving you the Powell's Experience! You'll thank me.

Meleah Rebeccah said...

I want to come OUT with you the next time you have an "event" such as this!!