Friday, January 18, 2008

You Asked For It

For any of you who may be squeamish about the chopping off of body parts, it's probably best to skip today's post. But don't worry. Tomorrow's post will be gore-free (and Gore-free, for anyone squeamish about the guy who invented the internets and global warming.)

Matter of fact, it will be the much anticipated (by two of you) 100 Things About Me meme.

Mi mi mi...

For everyone else, strap in. Have I got a story for you...

I'm not going to show you a picture of my brother, Joe, because I can't. He works as a correctional officer, and it's probably best that the state where he works continue to believe he's sane.

He's not.

Okay, technically he is, but do you think someone who cuts off his own finger on purpose has a firm grasp of reality?

Yeah, me neither.

(And since he cut off his finger, he doesn't really have a firm grasp on anything!)


No? Okay then. Where was I?

Ah, yes. My "special" brother.

To start off, I feel a little back story may be in order.

My brother has always been a tough-as-nails kinda guy. When he was twelve, he broke his ankle falling off his friend's roof, and he walked the two miles home on it. You might think he has no perception of pain, but he'll tell you it hurt like a mother. He just didn't want to get in trouble for playing on his friend's roof.

If you knew our parents, you'd understand.

Rules were strictly enforced. If you disregarded them, there was hell to pay. Which meant you either played by the rules (like I did), or you learned early on not to get caught (like somebody else did).

I can't be sure that that was the reason Joe learned to hide his pain so well or not, but I do know I never saw him so much as shed a tear. Not even when he got clocked in the face with a baseball and it broke his eye socket.

The guy is invincible.

When he got out of the army, he developed an affinity for such manly pursuits as hunting and fishing and all that testosterony stuff. He'd camp out for weeks at a time by himself. It was on one of those trips that he badly injured his finger skinning a deer. He packed up his camp and headed into the nearest town to have it stitched up, but they ended up having to operate on it.

He was getting feeling in it again and getting his movement back a few weeks later, but he told his doctor that despite the pain meds they prescribed, it wouldn't stop hurting. The doctor told him it was all in his head, that it wasn't unusual to feel pain after an operation, and to give it time.

My brother?

Yeah, right.

He figured he would take matters into his own hands. Literally.

Now, my brother may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but he did plan ahead. Though I will not incriminate his accomplice, I will say that we have a close family member who is in the medical field and was able to accommodate his request for a local anesthetic. I do not blame this individual in any way. Whether she got it for him or not, she knew it would not dissuade him from his course of action.

Come hell or high water, that finger was coming off.

My brother said he had a "half rack of beer" before the deed. I don't drink, so I'm not up on all the lingo the kids are using these days, so I don't know what a rack is.

I mean, I know what a rack is...


I just don't know how it pertains to quantities of beer.

Three? Six? Thirty-six?

Still not enough for me, thank you. When contemplating the removal of my digits, I like to believe I would be lying in a comfortable hospital bed, completely oblivious to the world and deep in dreamland.

Failing that, and forced to do the deed myself, I would probably elect not to be in an altered state of mind. If I have to feel anything, at least let it be quick.

(That's what she said.)

Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

Now, if I had to choose something with which to cut off my finger, it would be my compound miter saw. It's bolted down, so no shifting would occur, it's quick, and just look at these edges!


Impressive, no?

My brother went a different route.

He decided to forgo the one shot deal and turn his little escapade into his own brand of torture. First, by smashing his bone with a sledgehammer...


then by cutting the whole thing off with a pair of these...


Tin snips.

Of all the stupid...

Nope. Not gonna go there. It's his finger. He can cut it off how he wants.

Wanna know the worst part, though?

He doesn't know where it went.

Now aren't you glad you asked?


Jo Beaufoix said...

Oh My God.

Do you think he though it was a party sausage and ate it??

I can say no more. I am gobsmacked.

newnorth said...

umm wow, I almost can't believe it. (but I know you wouldn't lie to us)

Queen of Shake-Shake said...


Thalia's Child said...


Both disgusting and AWESOME!

Your brother is my new hero. How did he close up the wound? Did he cauterize it with a car lighter?

Avery Gray said...

Jo--I wouldn't doubt it. He's insane. Did I mention that?

Newnorth--absolutely, I would. But not about this. This is true.

Heather--you can say that again.

Thalia's--no, though if he had it to do over again, he might. (I failed to mention that he was a volunteer firefighter, and he did it at the station house. They patched him up and took him to the hospital from there.)

mielikki said...

Sigh. After your description of your brother, I am not surprised. It reminds me of the story when my Dad (accidentally) cut off part of his finger with a peach slicing machine. He doesn't know where his finger went, either.

Rima said...

No freakin' WAY!!!!

Can you post a picture of your brother? It's not that I don't believe you - I do, but I just want to know what a person who cuts his own finger off looks like.

Marianne Arkins said...

okay... hang on... it was bad enough that he cut off his own finger. But, um, he did it with witnesses? FIREFIGHTER witnesses??? Hello?

Wouldn't want my house to catch fire in THAT town.

Just saying.

R said...

I was already feeling a little sick to the stomach today; how absolutely horrid. I hope you are joking because if you are IT IS NOT FUNNY!


Avery Gray said...

Mielikki--that's one of those things I like to keep tabs on personally. But, hey, I've never cut off a finger, so who knows?

Rima--nope, sorry. No can do. Even though I would love to. I have the best picture of him sticking his "finger" in his nose down to the knuckle. One of his many fun new party gags.

Marianne--you and me both. (It's a little backwater there, if you know what I mean.)

R--that's not a joke. This is a joke... Guy walks into a bar and says, "Ow!" Ah, classic!

holly said...

i'm not so much worried about your brother. i'm worried about you. yes, you towed the line. but did he get *all* the crazy genes? hmmm? no i think we can safely say not.

i have been in a lot of pain before. the finger-keeping solution is called 600 mg ibuprofin chased with 2 x 200 mg paracetomol. then, for good measure, a nice little aspirin. you know, if you don't have the morphine on hand. i wish your brother would have asked me, i'd have helped him out with my stash.

Doodaddy said...

Oh my frikkin' lord. And I thought my brother was weird for having a thing for Asian women.


Sugarplum's Mom said...

I know a couple guys with missing fingers... they aren't all that smart but at least theirs were the results of accidents.
Guess no prisoners better mess with him.. if he's willing to cut off his own finger just think what he must be willing to do to them if they get out of line.

Groovy Mom said...

My mouth is hanging open. I mean, I literally cannot close my mouth. That is caaa-raaaaay-zeeee!

Nice rack, by the way. ;-)

Kimberly said...

I love being able to see your background now.

Have you nominated him for a Darwin award yet?

Emma Sometimes said...

Oh boy. I thought that is something reserved for Star Search or something.

Avery Gray said...

Holly--good to know! The next time I need a little pain relief, I'm hitting you up!

Doodaddy--isn't the Asian woman thing pretty common? At least I thought it was.

Sugarplum--he used to work at a maximum security facility. It came in handy.

Groovy--thanks. I think so.

Kimberly--I almost didn't recognize you! LOL! What a great idea. I never thought of that. Of course, he'd hate me for it. There are worse things, I suppose.

Emma--it is quite the talent!

Huckdoll said...

Perhaps it was the finger my brother found in the backseat of a car at work while getting ready to install a stereo last year? Hmmm...

Mert said...

A harrowing tale, indeed. Well, what was he supposed to do? Sit there with his thumb up his butt? ;)

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I'm guessing he is the nut in your family tree. I've lost count on my family tree.

Avery Gray said...

Huckdoll--if it was black and shriveled beyond recognition, then perhaps. It certainly wouldn't be fresh. This happened years ago.

Mert--where's the rimshot when you need one! (Of course, considering your comment, that just sounds dirty.) Yeah, he's one of the nuts in my family tree, that's for sure.

M@ said...

I can't believe he self-amputated. That's fucking crazy. Fucking crazy.

Doozie said...

what r u doin...r u gettin sassy with me???????

tha's wha' I thought.....I doooooooooooo

Natalie said...

I. Don't. Even. Know. What. To. Say.

No, wait. M@ actually summed it up pretty good.

Avery Gray said...

M@--you said it.

Dooz--sass you? Never. Sometimes.

Natalie--he did, didn't he? He's a man of efficient verbage.

Edge said...

Oh my Lord! the though of losing any appendage is NOT appealing to me, much less doing it on purpose. Did no one tell him to see another doctor?

Anyway, nice rack! Your male readers need to see more of that.


R said...

You shock me, my Queen, absolutely shock me.

You and Doozie. Wait...I have had an epiphany---YOU are like Doozie and EmmaS COMBINED into one powerhouse of snarky sarcasm and shockdom.

Now THAT is a compliment.

Chew on that for awhile, sister.

Immoral Matriarch said...


Avery Gray said...

Jef--if I show any more, it'll be a different type of blog.

R--that is THE single greatest compliment in the history of forever! Thank you! I'll never wash this blog.

Immoral--dude, right?

Gwynne said...

Of all things, a sledge hammer and tin snips?! Where are the blunt-tipped scissors when you need them?

Karen said...

I almost don't believe you. Except I kind of do believe you. And then I can't decide who would be sicker...him for actually doing it, or you for making up the story!!

Avery Gray said...

Gwynne--I wouldn't put that past him! Maybe on a dare. Too funny!

Karen--if I made it up, he would be a dashing tortured hero, and he'd find love with a sassy ER nurse. Ah, romance.

terri said...

I don't know why I found that fascinating. I expected to be experiencing a bout of heaving or something.... but no. Totally fascinating!

Caffeine Court said...

Oh-my-GOD!!! What a story! Your family reunions must be tons of fun.

Maybe your brother is the reason you're into medical oddities. Sounds like HE'S one!

sybil law said...

Dear. God.