Friday, February 8, 2008

Apple Trollop

My husband is cheating on me.

Oh, maybe not in the whole secret rendezvous with another person for carnal purposes sort of way, but the fact remains--he has lust in his heart, and it ain't for me.

The object of his desire?

This man.


Steve Jobs. CEO of Apple. Maker of all things Mac.

Can't say that I blame him. Look at those smoldering eyes. Those chiseled features. That impeccable sense

What woman can compete with a man of his many talents?

Not this one, apparently.

There I was, cuddled up next to my lout of a husband, wearing something that displayed the girls to the best of their advantage, and doing my darnedest to provide ample distraction to his Celebrity Apprentice viewing (it was TiVoed after all), and succeeding quite nicely, when what should appear on the television but the commercial for the MacBook Air.

I was literally cast aside.

For a laptop.

"It's so thin," he sighed.


That's all you care about? Not the fact that it's way overpriced and can't even play CDs or DVDs without an external drive?

It's the Paris Hilton of notebook computers!

Thirty seconds go by. He is riveted to the action on the screen, from the moment it slides seductively out of it's confining manila envelope until the understated Apple logo appears above it, tempting him with its siren song.

He's mesmerized.

I feel like chopped liver. Mixed with poo.

It's not the first time he's wandered, after all. He has an iMac. We have three iPods. And he's aching to get his hands on an iPod Touch.

I'm downright jealous OF A GADGET!

Sure, we've been together a long time, and the newness has since worn off. We're like a comfortable old pair of shoes now. (If one of those shoes is a no-good philanderer.)

But I ain't exactly ready for a dirt nap here. I've got a few good years left. And it's not like I don't have a couple little somethings a man might find enticing, if you know what I mean.

(Normally I'd insert a picture of my boobs here, but I figure you're probably tired of seeing them by now.)

So, what is it that makes a man yearn for the latest and greatest toy, even at the risk of turning his wife into a frigid ice queen?

Any guys out there care to enlighten me about this obsession?


Sugarplum's Mom said...

Didn't you know that whoever can accumulate the most gadgets the fastest has the biggest weiner?

Jodi said...

This..."I feel like chopped liver. Mixed with poo."...made me belly laugh at my desk.

And honey, I don't think I'd EVER get sick of seeing pictures of your boobs!

Maria said...

Well. The best thing ever invented is the iPhone. I'm just sayin'.

And I rewound that commercial twice when I first saw it. Because I was mesmerized too.


holly said...

you know actually it's been awhile. i can't actually remember what the girls look like. what were they? kind of roundish? me and my damned memory.

but oh my god, even *i* was aroused by that thing, put into a trance that was only broken by your mention of the lack of drives. thank you for that. whew!

now i need to drag the boy upstairs.
i'll be calling his name...
but i'll be thinking about gadgetry...
my husband thinks i fantasize about gary sinise's character on csi. let him think that.

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Mmmmm....Macs. I do lurve them. Yes, I am a Mac snob.

But not this newest Mac. No DVD/CD drive? wha? No thanks.

Kimberly said...


Meaning him.

Mike said...

He doesn't want a Mac INSTEAD of you, he wants a Mac AND you. The three of you can live very harmoniously together.

Besides, lets see YOU play CDs or DVDs without an external drive.

CamiKaos said...


I can't help laughing.

I can't. When you left your comment over at my place I thought maybe it would be a subtle similarity in topic...

mielikki said...

I would comment, but I am too busy stroking and playing with my new Macbook Pro...

TheVasquez3 said...

i feel ya. my husband was drolling over this too.



Natalie said...

It's totally a guy thing. All of the guys at work are all googly eyed over it, and they are all PC guys. It's a novelty.

That said: I hate it, it obviously never eats.

sybil law said...

It's so seductive!
But not as much as your boobs.
Not sure what his deal is but eventually he will want boobalicious warmth. :P

Edge said...

It's a tool. A tool to hunt and kill with. We like tools. Tools help us provide for our family. The better the tool, the better the family lives.


M@ said...

I want to sleep w/ my new laptop, too. I took it to bed and streamed a Netflix film.

Avery Gray said...

Sugarplum--don't tell my husband that! He just pines away for these things, but when it comes to shelling out the money, he won't. He's funny that way.

Jodi--aw! How sweet! ;o)

Maria--I'll give you that it has novelty value, but $1800 for a computer with no disk drive? That's just crazy!

Holly--enjoy! ;o)

Heather--I'm with you there!

Kimberly--my thoughts exactly!

Mike--now see, the whole being tossed from his lap thing gave me a distinctly different impression. Besides, I don't share what's mine.

Cami--eerie, huh?

Mie--nothing wrong with the MacBook Pro. It HAS a CD drive. Have fun with it!

Vasquez--only a dog wants a bone, right? High five!

Natalie--I'd be a lot thinner if I was lacking some internal organs, too. Men are silly.

Sybil--we'll see if I'm in the mood to accommodate him then. (Magic 8 Ball says, "Not likely.")

Jef--that's BS, but it sounded good.

M@--does your new laptop have a CD/DVD drive and still cost less than $2000? If so, your desire is warranted, but still inadvisable. (It probably doesn't have a slot for THAT!)

Kathryn said...

Thin. Always the thin. Again with the thin. Stop. Stop. It all just heards so bad.

Emma Sometimes said...

Apple is the devil in a stainless steel dress. No really. I even think Steve Jobs murders puppies in his executive bathroom and throws darts at his grandmother's picture. I'm just saying...

This blog hoppin thing is really fun. Okay, the DRINKING thing is really fun. (who am *I* kidding?)

loveyh said...

Emma's a-hopping!!

So, let Mr. Man fondle his own external hard drive for a while. Your USB port is busy and it needs to be rebooted....with diamonds, chocolate, maid service, or a new lawn. Let him decide the seduction.

I sleep in a drawer.;)

Lilacspecs said...

Geeky guys are to computers what um, not geeky guys are to cars.

Although in this day and age geeky is hot so computers and cars basically serve the same function for men...the primal urge to whip something out and compare it.

What's the point of it if it has less than other models. That's like lusting after a 13 year old...sure she's small and skinny, but that's all she's got

Huckdoll said...

I don't love it (the lappy). I think it sucks. The Touch on the other hand..orgasmic!

Avery Gray said...

Kathryn--yeah! And what's their obsession with that, too?! Geez!

Emma--it won't stop my man from lusting after his products, unfortunately. Have fun hoppin'!

Lovey--I found a moon rock in my nose!

Lilac--my man's not quite like the other guys in that way. He used to drive a Mazda Miata for goodness sake. He said it was proof positive he wasn't compensating for anything. ;o)

Huck--I admit, the Touch does have its appeal. But not when it comes at the expense of another touch, if you know what I mean! ;o)

Mert said...

Quite bluntly my dear, they are status symbols.

If it's any comfort, I'd choose your hooties any day;)

Mike said...

One word: Threesome.

R said...

Exactly. Preach it, sister. My own dear Professor is totally into the "sleek, thin" stupid apple lap top too.

"have you seen how thin it is?"

My husband has not seen the commercial---well, maybe he has---he reads articles about this stuff and lusts for months on end.

Nothing makes him beam like a glowing apple on the back of a white computer. Makes me sick, actually. Well, I understand. It looks nice and all. I just hate to use the word sleek. Yes, I have seen how thin the thing is. How good is that though? Is it durable? Is it so light and sleek you can play frisbee with it? Can you fold it in half and put it in your pocket protector? Let's just have computers that look like a sheet of paper. The kids can accidentally color on the back of it or we can forget it is on the floor and step on it.

Why trust something so thin?

R said...

I sent this to 'the Professor' so he could read it and he replied, in his short, usual style, "I like her husband based on this."

Let's form a gang.

Avery Gray said...

Mert--you are so right. They ARE status symbols. I just can't understand why this particular one has him in such a tither. So, it's thin. Big deal! My boobs aren't, but I've never had any complaints!

Mike--and that works for me HOW exactly? Perhaps you forget, I'm not the man in this situation.

R--your husband's on my list now. He's sealed his fate. My condolences.

R said...

He's been on mine for a few years now, so let's take turns. Ha ha

meleah rebeccah said...

ha ha ha hah ha ha....Hilarous.

But, He might find that the Mac Book Air has NO SPACE. Hope he gets an external hard drive and QUICK.