Monday, February 11, 2008

I Love My Husband, But...

How can someone so smart be so dumb when it comes to proper car care?

Seriously. It's not rocket science. You drive a few thousand miles, you take it to a Jiffy Lube, pay them to do whatever it is they do, and drive away. Another few thousand miles, you repeat the process.

After 10 times doing that, you take it in to the transmission place for servicing. Pay them $60 bucks and you're on your way.

And--here's the kicker--if the Check Engine light comes on, take it somewhere to have it looked at.

It's not there just to add panache to your dash.

(Like that? Panache to your dash! Check Engine adds panache to your dash! Somebody write that down.)

Long story short--30,000 overdue miles and one Check Engine light later, we now have a car that will not pass emissions testing.

So, thank you, dear.

Thanks for saving us the $500 in oil changes by costing us $1400 in auto repair.

Valentine's came early for me this year. You shouldn't have.

You really shouldn't have.


Last night we had a follow-up conversation about the laptop incident...

Me: "Remember when you used to love me?"

Him: "I do love you."

Me: "Yeah, I suppose. But you love the MacBook Air just a little more."

Him: "No, I don't."

Me: "Okay, if you were stranded on a deserted island, and you could choose to have a MacBook Air or me there, which would you choose?"

Him: "Well, it wouldn't really be a deserted island, then, would it?"

Me: "Oh, just play along!"

Him: "You, of course."

Me: "Why?"

Him: "Because there wouldn't be any electricity on a deserted island."

Me: "But what if there was?"

Him: "You."

Me: "What if there was electricity AND unlimited internet access?"

Him: "You."

Me: "Electricity, unlimited internet access, and Steve Jobs. In a Speedo."

Him: "Why would I want Steve Jobs in a Speedo?"

Me: "I don't know! You tell me!"

Him: "You."

Me: "But--"

Him: "You. Always you."

He's forgiven.


Thalia's Child said...

Steve Jobs in a speedo

I think I need to go gouge my eyes out with a spoon now. Ick.

Jodi said...

"Check Engine adds panache to your dash!"---Got it! You're welcome. crack my ass up!

My husband total opposite. Hubby takes the car for an oil change with a $19.99 coupon. Comes home and presents me with a bill for $200! WTF? A man who can't say NO!

Kimberly said...

You are so brilliant it hurts my brain. And I'm so glad he's not a complete schmuck.

Emma Sometimes said...

See, that is true love. (not the dash light part).

I'd freak out if I didn't have dash lights on. It's my only way to tan these days.

The Casual Perfectionist said...

Well, at least he's still smart enough to tell you what you want to hear. ;)

missburrows said...

I think you meant a Speedo and a turtleneck. That makes a lot more sense.

holly said...

oh you lucky lucky girl. my husband? choice between me and cable tv? he'd go with the cable.

and hey, before we go complaining about auto gaffes, realize *my* guy doesn't even drive! knows nothing about cars! cares not whether i have a car or not!

yeah, it is every bit the party it sounds like. still, he's made a very fine first husband...

Groovy Mom said...


I expected him to ask about internet access.

Thank God Steve Jobs didn't tip the scales out of your favor! That would've sucked.

Huckdoll said...

Awe, very sweet, I want to go barf now. Kidding.

Um, love the convo, you should do more of them!

Maria said...

Always you - AWWWW!!!!

Rima said...

Yeah, I'd forgive him, too.

But in your husband's defense, I must say that I drove around for about a year with my check engine light on and NOTHING HAPPENED. Just sayin'.

terri said...

"How can someone so smart be so dumb..." I admit it. Sometimes I come to your blog to read the things you write that I don't have the guts to write on my own blog. Of course I've taken this one out of context to suit my own purpses. I do have to admit though...My hubby is really faithful about getting oil changes every 3000 miles... but he's dumb in other respects sometimes. I knew you'd allow me to say these things in your comments because he would actually READ them on my blog! Thank you!

Lizzi said...

OMG, Avery - I just LOL'd so hard, I cried. That conversation with your husband actually made me read it outloud to Mr. Dizzi. And he's such a dork, that he laughed too ... !

sybil law said...

Your man is not so dumb, I am thinking...
And he is definitely not gay. With a lust for [rich] nerds.
Which is good to know.

Mr. Engineer said...

Was he expecting the 'Check Engine" lamp to get brighter or start blinking when it got important.

Next time I'm there I need to see his diploma. I'm wondering if he went to the college endorsed by Sally Struthers.

The Lazy Iguana said...

So, he would DOOM YOU on that deserted island?

See I would pick the computer. I mean with the electricity and unlimited internet access and stuff.

Because then I could mail order a sextant, figure out where the hell I am, then e-mail the Coast Guard to come rescue my ass. Now THAT is thinking.

Having you there just means two people get to be stuck on some island with limited resources and no running water or flushing toilets to razors or soap.

Did he really go 30,000 miles without an oil change? If so, time to rig that car to pass emissions and SELL IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lilacspecs said...

Wow, I didn't think there was a man alive in the U.S. who knew that little about car care. I mean it. But hey, at least he'll take you over the computer, that's always a plus. I guess knowing how to keep the one you love feeling needed and love is a good enough trade for not knowing to change the oil.

Nan said...

Aww... It wuv! Twue wuv!

Your blog is great, by the way. I'll be back!

Avery Gray said...

Thalia's--sorry about that visual. I'll think before I blog from now on!

Jodi--your husband sounds a lot like me! I go in for an oil change and come out with that and a new air filter, wipers, and all those other add-ons. I'm a sucker, but hey, my vehicle passes emissions testing every time. Same can't be said for hubby's.

Kimberly--brilliant? Awesome! I'm going to tell my husband that. See if he won't start listening to me from now on. ;o)

Emma--and judging from your golden glow, it's time for a tune-up! ;o)


Miss B--yeah, that sounds sexier!

Holly--a good warm-up for the real deal? Good for him! ;o)

Groovy--I don't even know what I would have said! So glad I didn't have to find out!

Huck--oh, I will! Hubby will be mortified!

Maria--sometimes he the sweetest guy ever. Sometimes.

Rima--keep driving, and eventually nothing WILL happen. I'm just sayin'.

Terri--if it's not one thing, it's another. That's the beauty of having an inattentive husband. He rarely reads my blog. I don't think he even knows the URL.

Lizzi--glad to hear it! (I like Mr. Dizzi. Dorks are good people.)

Sybil--no, he's not dumb. He just pretends sometimes. ;o)

Mr. Engineer--man, he should really get one of those! Then he'd have one more degree than he already has--for a grand total of one. (Do you have to adopt a starving child along with it?)

Ig--see, now you're thinkin'! And he'd probably do the same...if he didn't have an irrational wife throwing emotionally-charged hypothetical situations at him in some sort of freakish test of his love and devotion. Otherwise, yeah, it would be stupid to choose me over a laptop. I'd choose the computer, too.

Lilac--the thing that kills me is that he's mechanically inclined in most other ways. How in the world can he not understand the importance of lubrication to the moving parts of an engine. I'm just a silly girl, and I know that!

Nan--thanks! Stop by anytime!

meleah rebeccah said...

I think I am twins with your husband. I NEVER get an oil change when I am supposed to and I am obsessed with all things Apple.

Edge said...

My wife wouldn't know what to do with internet access ... or the check engine light.


Simonsez TM said...

Smart man your husband is on the deserted island - not so much on the oil change scenario......

Great blogs keep them coming!

Stephen said...

Is he normally this good at talking his way out of trouble? Way to go, dude! :)

Jenna Consolo said...

Hey there! I remember you from the buzz! Stumbled upon your blog, and what a good time! Love it! You are a great writer, so I hope you keep doing it. I appreciate your freshness and honesty. It's very entertaining. Nice to see you again!