Wednesday, March 12, 2008

A Study in Economics

I had dealings in the real world today.

I'd forgotten how much I despise dealing with the real world. It's loud and crowded, and you have to wear pants of sturdier construction than pajamas.

Evolved, my ass! I long for the days of fig leaves!

By the time my appointment came around, as I sat in the waiting area in confining denim, all I wanted was to sign the papers I'd come to sign and go. Instead, I was afforded the opportunity (meaning my financial adviser was running late) to study the tellers at the bank branch where she was meeting me.

This branch, like any other in the known universe, employed all three of the different types of tellers:
  • The Token Gay Man--wearing a well-fitting button-up in robin's egg blue and a navy tie striped with just the slightest hint of pink, this guy spends hours perfecting his "just rolled out of bed...two hours ago, shaved with the grain, moisturized, moisturized, moisturized, gelled/moussed/pomaded/shellacked and flat-ironed the perfectly highlighted coif to give it the decidedly ungelled/unmoussed/untouched by any styling implement" sort of look that would make the finest of metrosexuals green with envy. This guy's not just gay. He's bank teller gay.

  • The Past Her Prime PYT--sporting an over-processed Janis Joplin-esque 'do and a shiny polyester blouse tucked into her pleated wool skirt, this gal has seen it all. Once a beauty queen (approx. 1974), this former prize filly appears to have been ridden hard and put away wet. Despite her obvious love for Clairol Platinum Blonde, the feeling is not mutual. Past Her Prime PYT's are often relegated to the drive-up window as close proximity to her will cause Token Gay Man to simultaneously break out in hives, mentally add Alberto V05 Hot Oil Treatment to his shopping list, and desire to call his mother.

  • The Hannah Montana Reject--the natural enemy of Past Her Prime PYT, this cute, bubbly, vivacious young twenty-something is quintessential window dressing. Her appeal is obvious to anyone who comes in contact with her, from the harried mother of four who remembers what it's like to be her, to the gun-toting good ol' boy with a Calvin-pissing-on-a-Chevy-emblem window decal on the back of his Ford F-350. Hannah Montana Rejects are, oddly enough, often named Hannah, and come in a variety of colors--white, off white, alabaster, beige, cream, and eggshell. Commonly seen in the company of other Hannah Montana Rejects and Token Gay Men at Old Navy or Hollisters.

I seem to be a Token Gay Man magnet, as they are always the ones who help me. Unfortunately, they're also the ones who make me feel the most self-conscious. Not because they're gay, but because they're prettier than me, and have luminous skin.

Plus, they're cattier than the Past Her Primes, and wittier than the Hannahs, which sort of makes them naturals at this blogging thing. And if there's one thing I don't need to read, it's this...
  • Thirty-Something Democrat-in-Denial--pairing flip-flops and track jackets with everything, and in dire need of a root touch-up and clay-mask treatment, this bank customer is in obvious denial of the passage of time. She dresses like a Berkley student despite her claims of being a hippie-despising Republican, and can often be heard quoting Napoleon Dynamite. Typically located wandering the frozen food section of the supermarket with a cart with a squeaky wheel and a corresponding twitch in her eye, the Thirty-Something Democrat-in-Denial is generally harmless, though she can be incited to lengthy bouts of sarcastic blogging if provoked. Be advised to keep a safe distance.


The Casual Perfectionist said...

The phrase that kept popping into my head? "Not that there's anything wrong with that..." HA. Avery, you make me laugh!! :)

terri said...

I think your token gay man was at my hair salon yesterday. Could you come get him, please? He intimidates me.

Sheila said...

Now that I've stopped laughing, my brother fits your token gay man perfectly - except my brother is a writer vs a bank teller. It used to crack me up when I was a teenager as he would spend longer getting ready than I did including the time it took for me to put on my make-up.

Sugarplum's Mom said...

LMAO at "Bank Teller Gay"

Doozie said...

"like anyone could even know that"

"you left your crap on my porch"

"have you ever heard of nylon polymer?"

"I like your bangs"

Lilacspecs said...

Hehe, very witty indeed.

Misssy M said...

Avery, Can I just book you to come over and blog my new office? That was wonderful.

Phrase of the week, "ridden hard and put away wet".

Spat out my coffee.

Mya said...

I miss Bank Teller Gay. I would see him a lot in London - in rural France, they are rare. I don't suppose there's much to attract them here - the hair salons round here suck.

Mya x

Mike said...

It's true! Berkeley grads DO usually misspell the word "Berkeley". Very authentic, Miss Gray.

meleah rebeccah said...

yep. the 'real world' and 'real clothes' are awful. I do so envy your stay at home pajama wearing ways.

loveyh said...

Whaaa?? Did anyone miss the implications that Miss Gray espoused? She's a Dem-in-denial, people!

My Jedi mind trick grows stronger every day, friends..muhuhahahahahaha...

Avery Gray said...

Momma--I kept thinking the same thing! Thanks.

Terri--no can do. They're everywhere!

Sheila--they have lengthy regimens, don't they?! I suppose if I were childless and cared more, I would have one, too.

Sugarplum--I laughed, too. But silently to myself. ;o)

Doozie--"Do the chickens have large talons?"

Lilac--thanks! ;o)

Missy--abso-frickin'-lutely! I can do a UK blog tour! Sweet. (Oh, and I can't take full credit for that phrase. Lovey says it a lot, and she's got me saying it now. Silly girl.)

Mya--no, they do require good hair salons. Pity. I could send you mine!

Mike--only a Berk-e-ley grad is going to care that I misspelled Berk-e-ley. I bet no one else would have even noticed if you hadn't said anything. Narc! (And you wonder where your daughter gets it.)

Meleah--it's a sweet deal if you can get it, but I actually spend a lot more time in the 'real world' than I'd like. Stupid real world!

Avery Gray said...

Lovey--not to burst your bubble, but that was supposed to be a gay man's commentary on me, not my own personal belief that I am a Democrat-in-Denial. I'd think that you'd know me better than that!

M said...

Wow...I think I was in THAT bank today.

meleah rebeccah said...

I hate the Real World!

ps...I tagged you (hope you don't mind?) Totally optional.

Jodi said...

Okay, you have finally done it,

"this former prize filly appears to have been ridden hard and put away wet."

I pee'd a litte! Thanks, now I have to go change my undies!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Aves, did I tell you lately you are fabulous? Well you are fabulous. Seriously fabulous. Ok? Good.

Groovy Mom said...

I'm the harried mother of four you wrote about, the one who remembers what it was like to be Hannah. Even though I try to behave like a hottie on the weekends, there's no denying the fact of who I am in the light of day. :-P This is my reality.

Thank God for karaoke and low lights!

holly said...

avery! you didn't see me! i was in line behind you! and i went to the token gay! he was dissin' your flip-flops, but i whipped out one of my pictures of your rack - from the set that i sold on ebay yesterday and was posting today - and showed him.

this man is no longer gay.

Emma Sometimes said...

I was a bank teller and I swear I could name names.

"You ever take it off of any sweet jumps?"