Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The Poop Post

Feminine mystique? What's that?

I used to know, years ago. Back when I had some. Now, next to nothing is sacred.

Sure, I could be like my mom, a whole-hearted devotee of the June Cleaver movement, who gets dressed, puts on her make-up, and fixes her hair at 4:30 in the morning so my dad won't see her all dishabille before he's had his first cup of joe.

But 4:30 is hella early.

Heck, my husband is lucky if I wipe the sleep drool off my face before I kiss him goodbye. That's how I roll.

There isn't much I won't do in front of my husband.

Pop zits? Yep.

Pluck chin hairs? You betcha.

Poop? NOOOOOO!!!!

I draw the line.

I'm always amazed at how many married couples find this a perfectly acceptable practice. Especially if you have more than one bathroom and appropriately functioning bowels.

I set the solo-pooping precedent early in our co-habitation. There was to be no question--I don't appreciate an audience.

As far as my husband knows, I never poop.

It's how it should be.

But after a conversation with a good friend of mine yesterday--wherein she broke not only my cardinal rule of phone etiquette (don't talk to me while you're in the bathroom), but an unwritten, and much more self-evident one (don't talk to me from the bathroom while your husband is dropping the kids off at the pool)--I have to wonder if I'm not in the minority here.

Please tell me I'm not.


Edge said...

Not unusual at all. My wife won't poop if I'm in the room. An ex-girlfriend told me when she got married she couldn't poop when her husband was in the house. I like my privacy.

A local radio guy calls it "the great equalizer" because everyone from the the queen to the bum under the bridge have to poop.


2writehands said...

Dear God. That part about the friend, the husband, the phone, the "kids"--that's April Fool's right? People DO that?

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee, hee. We do not poop in front of each other.

The kids know that if the door is shut, Mummy is doing a number two.

I don't feel this is something I need to share with my family, and I don't want to be there when Mr B is doing his stuff, you know, his poop stuff.

So you're not alone my sweet.

mielikki said...

Oh you are so not alone. And I have a cardinal rule that I am never to be on the phone with anyone using the facilities. If I hear a toilet flush, I will hang up. My sister breaks the rule all the time. I can tell by the echo on the phone. Then I hang up.

Groovy Mom said...

I'm with you on the no pooping thing. 100%

Disheveled is the only way to greet your husband in the morning, as far as I'm concerned. They think it's sexy. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

Leendaluu said...

I once broke up with a guy because he came into the bathroom and pooped while I was showering. He was handsome, he was rich but he BROKE. THE. RULE. I'm with you.

holly said...

i don't really do much pooping, to be honest. mostly at work. and i am *so* not talking to people while i poop at work! that is just wrong wrong wrong!

the bathrooms at work smell of lovely selections of flowers. i could identify them if i had one clue about flowers. i'm happy enough to call them flowers.

i'm only telling you that bit so you know i'm not some poop-only-at-work-nutter. i wouldn't want that.

loveyh said...

I have been known to have an audience whilst dropping the kids off at the pool...namely my own children. You would think a closed door is a hint, but they see it as a challenge.

I have talked to my mother while I was on the mug, but it's usually because I'm sitting on a closet toilet, filing my nails or hiding from my family. She has been known to phone while bathing, though.

terri said...

No, no, no, no.... no pooping in the company of anyone! I don't want anyone even standing right on the other side of the door! Hell, I can't even pee in the office restroom with someone in the stall next to me if it's too quiet.

Now that I think about it, I may have some issues.

Rima said...

Kids! Pool! HaHaHaha!!!!

Sugarplum's Mom said...

Man... people are talking a lot about poop lately... Doodaddy hates the word Potty... I just posted about bathroom etiquette at work and now this. LOL. Maybe it has something to do with tax season?

Yes, we also have the close the door rule for pooping.

Joeprah said...

You had me at sleep drool. :) Funny as hell of course. ALso, I am way more shy about the poop thing than my wife. But there aint real boundaries there.

Azhria said...

Same for me. My other half will do it with the door open - he doesn't care.. but then he doesn't get any privacy. If the bathroom door is shut then the kids think it's open season to go and annoy him. Me, on the other hand my toilet business is nobody's but mine. I don't want or appreciate an audience! The door is closed and locked and it's very clear that only the house burning down will be grounds for opening that door from the outside :D

missburrows said...

You need to make a public service announcement about this horrible epidemic. People must be notified!

meleah rebeccah said...

I dont even like to be in the bathroom with myself when I have to go #2, let alone have 'company' .

No. Thank you.

Mike said...

My wife and I have a pretty informal relationship. We don't stand on ceremony. I can tell you, however, that in the 15 years I've known her, neither one of us has ever been in the bathroom while the other one was pooping or peeing.

The Immoral Matriarch said...

I do it when he's in the shower. And tell him I was just peeing. And then wait for his yells of anguish as he steps out later to shave.

kari said...

This is just hilarious! I'm cracking up at everyone's comments. And, yes, in our household we P.I.P. (poop in private)

Doodaddy said...

Oddly, I was having this same conversation earlier today. Poop is universal, I guess.

NO. We don't do any toilet business in front of one another, and never have. For all I know, my wife doesn't actually pee.

My mother-in-law told us that it ruins the romance. I think that hearing about poop from your mother-in-law almost ruins the romance already, but that's another story.

Caffeine Court said...

Nothing ruins a romantic moment more than the smell and sound of your significant other pinching a loaf in front of you!!!

Shut the door, turn on the fan and make sure you flush the toilet when you're done. That's my motto.

M@ said...

I insist on privacy there.

Bee Repartee said...

Time on the bog is sacred here, too. I haven't pooped since I said I do.

sybil law said...

I am with you on this one.
Solo poopers, unite!!!

Stephen said...

My wife thinks it's perfectly acceptable to walk in the bathroom and talk to me while I'm doing my business. It's been six years, and she STILL doesn't understand that NOBODY interrupts the king when he's on his throne. Talking through the door doesn't work, either. Unless the house is burning down, WAIT. I don't even like having other men in the restroom with me at the same time when I'm at work. Privacy, privacy, PRIVACY! :)

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