Tuesday, June 24, 2008

First Rule of Fight Club...

The hubby and I put up our pool for the summer a couple of weeks ago, and in that time, I have acquired the unenviable position of "Neighborhood's Coolest Mom".

Ugh.

Sunny or overcast, doesn't matter. I now have kids coming to my door in droves asking if they can come swimming with Ethan. I suppose I should be pleased that he has someone close to do fun things with. He's always been the odd kid out on our block, and because I may be a TAD on the overprotective side, it's probably my fault. Unlike many of the other neighborhood moms, I won't let him ride his bike, walk to a friend's house, or play in the street if I'm not there with him. He's only five, and even though this is a nice, family friendly neighborhood with fairly little traffic, this world is full of frickin' crazies.

Case in point: my neighbor across the street has just revealed that his new hobby is...


*wait for it*



CAGE FIGHTING.

Now, to really grasp why I find this utterly hilarious, you'd have to know him. He strongly reminds me of Michael Scott from "The Office"--bumbling idiotic blowhard with zero social skills and even less self-awareness. Even so, I kinda like the guy.

It's his wife who scares the bejeezus out of me.

If he'd told me SHE had taken up cage fighting, I wouldn't even have batted an eye. Her job as a principal of an alternative high school for lawless rapscallions and nefarious ne'er-do-wells suits her to perfection. She wears such a sour expression on her face, it wouldn't surprise me if even her vagina comes outfitted with a steel trap.

Actually, that would explain an awful lot.

So, imagine my surprise when Ethan asked if their kids could come swimming at our house, and he was told no because, as their daughter said, "Dad isn't sure about you guys."

Isn't sure...

ABOUT US?!!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but did I just get dissed by a brow-beaten cage fighting pantywaist?

Strange times, man. Strange times.

17 comments:

Janie said...

Cage fighting? Guess I'll have to go do some research.

Don't sweat the small stuff, Avery. "Strange times" is right!

R said...

I met your twin at Costco the other day. She had a son that was sort of like Ethan, except one year older, and she just approached me out of the blue. Must have thought I looked friendly!

We exchanged numbers and I think I will have her come to MY pool! :)

That is so funny how the neighbors think you guys are weird. My neighbors want to leave their kids with me the day they meet me. Now what that means, I have no idea.

Jodi said...

Did you just say "it wouldn't surprise me if even her vagina comes outfitted with a steel trap."? You did just say "it wouldn't surprise me if even her vagina comes outfitted with a steel trap."

Avery Gray, you complete me! LMFAO!

Can I come swimming?

Mike said...

If you're asking me to pick sides, and I believe you are, I'm siding with the cage fighter.

Tiffany said...

HAHA You have some weird ass neighbors. But mine is in jail right now and his yard has grown up and is overrun by skunks. So who am I to talk. LOL

loveyh said...

But do you have all of your pavers??

Nan said...

Hee hee! MY neighbours pigs got away and are wrecking our garden. I'm angling for free free-range pork come Christmas! I'd send my kids over. How long can you keep them?

Jo Beaufoix said...

That is just hilarious. i mean, his wife deals with tough kids for a living, surely she can work out that you're one of the good guys?? That just kills me. Maybe cage man's little stories are tests for you as he's 'not sure'. Maybe if you'd said, "Ha, I laugh at your cage fighting ways', or if you'd said, 'Oh I used to do that, but now I've gone on to the harder stuff' he'd have made up his mind. As it is you've still left him teetering on the brink of sureness.
Well done. :D

belle said...

and I thought my neighbours were strange ... :)

btw competition and party over at mine to celebrate my blogoversary :)

Sugar said...

Wow. Is that even legal? Will there be dogs?

The wife sounds like the warden, I mean, school mistress from Matilda. Does she have gnarly teeth, too? That would just complete the whole picture I've got going in my head...

Bee Repartee said...

Maybe her parents meant you aren't scrappy or fit with enough steel traps? Perhaps you should strategically place a WWF banner over your garage and throw some gnomes in the yard...oh. And don't mow. They might like you more.

PS. I bet Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.

holly said...

wow. you have some ass-strange neighbours. best to keep them unsure, i think.

The Lazy Iguana said...

My neighbors do not know what to think about me either. I keep em guessing. It amuses me.

Blondie said...

Maybe she will be your next BFF! ROFLMAO!!!

M@ said...

I'm guessing a fight is not the best option here, Avery. :)

Rick Baker said...

I showed your blog to your neighbors. They said they'd come by to discuss it with you later. The misses was especially interested in your description of her brow-beaten, cage fighting, pantywaist of a husband.

Hee hee. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I understand the whole pool thing. We put in a pool a couple of years ago and I don't think the neighborhood kids have left yet...wait let me check the backyard...yeah, just as I thought, still there.

You never know about neighbors. We like most of ours--all except for the woman who murdered her husband and set her house on fire. I'm sure she gets along well with her new neighbors in their orange jump suites.

sybil law said...

I think it's probably a good thing they "aren't sure" of you guys.
:)