Monday, June 16, 2008

Who's Driving Anyway?!

Yesterday, Father's Day, we spent a good portion of the time on the road. Since it was to be my husband's special day, I did the driving, even though he is the worst passenger in the history of locomotion. Not that I could tell him that. No, as I've mentioned, it was his special day...

Was.

Thankfully, today is a new day, and I have a blog.

So, for your benefit, dear husband, here are all the responses I so graciously refrained from making yesterday. Feel free to refer back to this list anytime you require my response in the future, and my one-finger salute does not adequately convey my sentiments to your liking:

"The speed limit is 60 through here."
Thank you, talking highway sign. As if your HUGE numbers weren't clear enough, you offer the added benefit of verbal confirmation. That must come in handy for all those sight-impaired drivers on the road. Kudos to you for being so darned progressive!

"There's a cop. Slow down."
Sure thing, because slowing down from 40 in a 40 mph zone to, say, 32 doesn't look the least bit suspicious, and would in no way draw his attention. Well, except maybe for that long line of irate drivers behind me whom I have effectively impeded. When he pulls me over, I'll let you do the talking.

"Watch out for that guy on the bike."
Oh, thank goodness you were here. I was about to make him the latest addition to my ever-expanding "Cyclists of the Pacific Northwest" hood ornament collection. Had no idea there was anything wrong with that.

"Pass this guy, then get over in the other lane, and turn right...NOW! Aw, man, you missed it!"
Yes, I did. But what I didn't miss was that day in Physics class when my teacher explained the general theory that when two objects of considerable mass traveling at a certain velocity collide, they make a big BANG! I think it's called the Principle of Duh.

"Turn that way. Why are you turning this way?"
Well, my dear, when I asked you 60 seconds ago which way to turn and got no response, I decided to make an educated guess. Heck, the chances were 50/50 that you'd infer I'm a dumb ass anyway, and 100% that you won't be getting any of it for the rest of your natural born life.

Congratulations, jackass. You're a winner!

11 comments:

Jodi said...

THIS post right here is why I love you soooooooo much! Freakin' hysterical!

Hope Squid had a great Father's Day!

Bee Repartee said...

HEY, SPONGE BOB?! IS IT TIME TO ANNOY AVERY DAY?!!!

WOOOHOOO!!!

The Casual Perfectionist said...

Those are great! My hubby is the same way. One time I told him that I'm so glad they put a steering wheel on both sides of the car, and he says, "What? They didn't." To which I answer, "Exactly." ;)

Dapoppins said...

Why did he do that? Why does my husband do that? I hate that...


now I know what to say

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Will he read this? I love it!

Rick Baker said...

Ouch! I'm a terrible passenger, too--when my wife drives, that is. I think the last thing I'd want on Father's day is to have to sit in the passenger's seat while she does the driving. No way! That would make for a terrible day--for both of us.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Oh I'm with Da Poppins, Mr B does that too and now I have witty comebacks. Sighhh, Avery, you are fabulous.

meleah rebeccah said...

This is a CLASSIC Avery post! Since this was one of the first things I've read since returning from a ROUGH vacation....THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGHS!!

holly said...

it is remarkable that we spent the day so VERY similarly. only we didn't drive anywhere. . .

hey - does he say these things regardless of whether he may be interrupting something you're saying to him? like when it's the *only* thing you've said all day and still he finds the need to interrupt?

yeah.

i should go shut up now.

missburrows said...

Wait, you saw a cop in Washington? Wow, I didn't think we could afford those things here.

sybil law said...

OMG my husband does the SAME THING and therefore I refuse to drive him anywhere.