Tuesday, August 12, 2008

An Open Letter to Some Guy

Dear Sir,

I appreciate your interest in me. Indeed, I am most flattered by the goo goo eyes and kissy faces you were making at me in the rearview mirror. It is not often that I attract the attention of a man of your unquestionable esteem and virility, as clearly evidenced by your choice of vehicles. A '98 Toyota Camry--with spoiler!--pretty much guarantees I'm a sure thing. And the way the sun glinted off your expired tags? Dreamy!

As special as your juvenile displays of lustful regard made me feel, I would hate to think I was just one among many potential paramours. You don't do this sort of thing all the time, by any chance, do you?

Of course not! What we shared was most assuredly momentous and rare; the basis, I'm sure, of an enduring illicit relationship. But while, in my obvious state of unbridled arousal, I may have appeared to be returning the sentiment by pursing my lips in wanton seduction, in actuality I was attempting to convey a much more pressing message:

"Look out, dumb ass! You're going to hit that car."

Alas, you did not heed my warning. And if there is one thing I cannot abide in my lovers, it is the inability to keep their car in its own lane while making lewd overtures to strange women in the cars behind them. Call me picky.

So, adieu, mi amour. Hope time buffs out the dents in your heart the way the body shop will undoubtedly buff out the dents in your car. And that other one.

Best save your goo goo eyes for the road from now on, eh?



Lizzi said...

What ... no DUI plates?

loveyh said...

Awesome... just awesome. Only you, baby--it's gotta be the rack. ;)

meleah rebeccah said...

I laughed this whole post, but you really got me with this paragraph:

"And if there is one thing I cannot abide in my lovers, it is the inability to keep their car in its own lane while making lewd overtures to strange women in the cars behind them. Call me picky."


Dapoppins said...

No one gets into an accident when the are looking at me.

I am so jealous.

Janie said...

Unrequited love.


Jodi said...

You've done it again Avery! Hysterical!

Mike said...

Oh, that was me. My bad.

Kiss kiss,

sybil law said...

That is awesome.

Nan said...

See what Hot Stuff you are, you Hot Cruisin' Mamma you?

Jo Beaufoix said...

Snort, so glad it wasn't your car babe. Just catching up after a brill holiday. I am so jealous of your iphone I may have to batter you with a large haddock or something. Tsk.
It's mine and Mr B's anniversary in a coupla weeks. Will I be getting gadgetry? I doubt it. Maybe I should trade him in for an upgrade?

M@ said...

That happened to a guy staring at my girlfriend once in Baltimore years ago!

missburrows said...

I know you have an impressive rack, I've witnessed it, but are you sure he wasn't making kissy faces at your new 3G IPHONE?

Bee Repartee said...

hahaha, serves him right. I can just hear you now, "Jackass"

Avery Gray said...

Lizzi--oh, that would have just been the cherry on top! How are you, my dear?

Lovey--I think it was my sparkling personality.

Meleah--thank you! (Probably would have been funnier on an iMac, right?) ;o)

Dapo--yes, it was the fulfillment of my lifelong goal. I can die happy now.

Janie--oh, I loved him deeply in my own special way. ;o)

Jodi--thank you! Wonder if that guy realizes he provided such excellent blog fodder...

Mike--I thought that guy looked familiar! When did you move north and become a retarded ass? I must have missed that post.

Sybil--thank you! ;o)

Nan--the ironic part? I am so not! If he'd seen me walking down the street, he wouldn't have spared me a second glance. But, for whatever reason, whenever I get behind the wheel, I become irresistible to men. Maybe it's the fine German engineering (the car, not mine) that makes them stupid. Who can say...

Jo--never! He sounds like a keeper to me. ;o) Glad you had a good time.

M@--something tells me she was a looker. I would expect no less from you. ;o)

MissB--I can't be sure, but that certainly makes much more sense than him being overcome by my blinding beauty. I left that at home.

Bee--oddly enough, that very same epithet DID leave my lips. How well you know me! ;o)

Elaine said...

hilarious!!!! so what's his number? LOL!

(found your blog on blogrush and totally bookmarking because your definition of a 'novelist' is so DEAD ON...;p)

Flip Flop Momma said...

I knew u were one hot momma;)

seems only the losers wink at me 2..WTF seroiusly..

meleah rebeccah said...

Everything is funnier and better on an Apple Product!