Friday, November 7, 2008

At Least She Got the Looks

My sister came up to visit me the day after the election. Such good Bible-thumpin' times! I, in a misguided attempt to corral the vociferous "Obama is a RADICAL MILITANT MUSLIM" rants, tried, gently, to steer her into more neutral topics of conversation that wouldn't get us lynched by the lunch crowd at Olive Garden (the most liberal of all olive-centric eateries). I told her that such rhetoric is better stated a) before the election, and b) to someone who actually gives a crap what she thinks.

Lunch did not go well.

Although she believes my defense of Obama equates to dire peril for my eternal soul, she was persuaded to change the subject to my classes and how I was liking school. (If only she knew my professor is a Jewish lesbian who specializes in "ecoart"!) I told her it was going as well as could be expected, but that I will really be glad when it's done and I can focus on my future.

"Yeah," she said, "I really wanted to take some online courses so I could become a travel agent, but when I brought it up to the family, Austin (her 11-year-old son) told me I couldn't do that. When I asked him why, he said it was because then I wouldn't be there for him when he got home from school. So, I took that as a sign from God that it's not the right time to do something for myself just yet."

I smiled and nodded noncommittally. What else could I do in the face of such crazy? I love my nephew, but even on his best day, he doesn't really strike me as the conduit through which an all-powerful, omniscient deity doles out career advice. Nor do I think God really cares about whether she continues to stay home and coddle her mama's boy or spends a few hours a day bettering herself. He's probably a little busy planning an apocalypse or something.

Sadly, she's not the only nutjob in my family. My other sister believes God advises her on real estate. He told her He wanted her to have a more luxuriously appointed home in a posh neighborhood because she'd earned it with her good deeds.

No, I'm not joking.

I really don't know how I could have turned out so much differently than my brothers and sisters. We were raised to believe in God, and to seek His wisdom in everything, and I do have conversations with Him from time to time. Of course, mine are a little more one sided, and rarely involve payment for services rendered. No, I talk to God the way Mark Wahlberg talks to animals...

"Hey, God. How's it going? So, you're the Lord, huh? What's that about? Hey, thanks for all the cool stuff you do. Alright. Say hi to your mother for me."

Short. Sweet. To the point.

I must be doing it wrong.


Nan said...

Oh my goodness, that's too funny. Just smile and nod, honey! You're right not to try to change anyone's opinion!

It's always a shame if they try to change ours though. Ooooh... maybe they know something we don't know? Naaah.

Mike said...

Let me know if you want me to talk to your family for you. I'm sure I could get through to them.

Leendaluu said...

Oh Lord, I'm not the only one born into a family of wack job Republicans. You have no idea what this post means to me...perhaps we were twins separated at birth...

loveyh said...

Oh, make no mistake. Avery bleeds Red. Her crazy sisters just think it's Jesus when they do it.

You're not supposed to be making me laugh, dammit! But you always do. Smooch to my ER buddy!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee. With my family there are some things best left unsaid too, snort.

TexasRed said...

Wow. I just... wow.

Gotta say the way I read the Bible tends more toward a God speaking to ask us to help others and try to do what's best for them. (Then again, I voted for Obama, too, so what do I know.)

Bee Repartee said...

It's hard to talk to someone when they are so hell bent in making you agree with them. Hearing them? Sure, but making someone agree? That is a crazy maker.

Your sister says you are crazy for believing in Obama and you say your sister is crazy for believing in what God tells her.

Sounds like a normal sibling relationship to me.

Janie said... always make me laugh.