Friday, August 29, 2008

This 'n' That

Certain individuals of my acquaintance have, in recent days, attempted to remind me that I have something called a "blog" on which I "blog" about various goings-on in my life. Sounds pretty crazy if you ask me. Surely, if I had something as wondrous and self-congratulating as that, I'd post on it all the time, wouldn't you think?

*sheepish chuckle*

Alright, fine. You got me. I've been a bad blogger, whiling away precious blogging minutes with reckless abandon. Fortunately, I had a feeling that might happen, and I had the forethought to document my activities through the magic of pho-to-graph-y. So, without further ado, I give you...


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Ta da!! (That one's for you, M@.)

Yes, aside from devoting some serious time to taking shots of my cleavage with my iPhone--(two seconds)--these past two weeks have been busy, busy, busy. As summer wanes, and the new school year approaches, we took some time to enjoy the great outdoors...


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...at a monster truck rally at the Clark County Fair in beautiful, scenic Ridgefield, Washington--home of the world famous Gee Creek I-5 rest stop.

(Yes, I am from an impoverished white family. Why do you ask?)

Ethan loves monster trucks, so he looks forward to seeing them every year at the fair. This year, we brought our neighbors' ten-year-old daughter, Emma, along for the fun.


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She hated the trucks, but loved the rides, thought the goats were cute, and Ethan was "weird, but cool".

Sounds about right.

In addition to the fair, we also took Ethan to the Oregon Zoo, where they've just welcomed the first baby elephant they've had in fourteen years. Of course, no one could see him yet, but we did enjoy the animatronic dinosaur exhibit.


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Unfortunately, my son has developed a strange disorder, brought on by close proximity to picture-taking devices, where he lists precariously to left. There is no known cure, but you can send money anyhow.

The biggest portion of my time, however, was taken up by redoing my living room walls--stripping wallpaper, painting, color washing, and striping them with metallic glaze--but I think they turned out bee-yoo-tee-full-ly. What do you think?


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I hope you like it better than my husband did. Not that his opinion matters.

Speaking of the devil...

A couple of weeks ago, I got an awesome GIF program for showing the animated ceiling fan I made for my Sims...


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(Animated, people! I'm a rock star!)

Anywho... The program ended up coming in handy for something else...


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Yep, that's Squidward, rockin' out to Guitar Hero 2 (yes, 2) in his office--I'm sorry, pleasure den.

Like the arm fringe? I made it! And so can you. Here's a list of the things you'll need:

--1 delusional husband

--1 piece of expensive satin you were saving to make a throw pillow out of

--1 pair of scissors

--a ton of deep-seated resentment and shame

Voila! Arm fringe!

Oh, and we got one of these bad boys...


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So, there you have it. You're all caught up on the mystery that is my life, but we'll be taking off tomorrow for my in-laws' beach house. Perhaps I will have more to share when we return.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

An Open Letter to Some Guy

Dear Sir,

I appreciate your interest in me. Indeed, I am most flattered by the goo goo eyes and kissy faces you were making at me in the rearview mirror. It is not often that I attract the attention of a man of your unquestionable esteem and virility, as clearly evidenced by your choice of vehicles. A '98 Toyota Camry--with spoiler!--pretty much guarantees I'm a sure thing. And the way the sun glinted off your expired tags? Dreamy!

As special as your juvenile displays of lustful regard made me feel, I would hate to think I was just one among many potential paramours. You don't do this sort of thing all the time, by any chance, do you?

Of course not! What we shared was most assuredly momentous and rare; the basis, I'm sure, of an enduring illicit relationship. But while, in my obvious state of unbridled arousal, I may have appeared to be returning the sentiment by pursing my lips in wanton seduction, in actuality I was attempting to convey a much more pressing message:

"Look out, dumb ass! You're going to hit that car."

Alas, you did not heed my warning. And if there is one thing I cannot abide in my lovers, it is the inability to keep their car in its own lane while making lewd overtures to strange women in the cars behind them. Call me picky.

So, adieu, mi amour. Hope time buffs out the dents in your heart the way the body shop will undoubtedly buff out the dents in your car. And that other one.

Best save your goo goo eyes for the road from now on, eh?

Yours,
Avery

Friday, August 8, 2008

I'm Blogging...

From a phone...from the future!!!

(Man, this iPhone is amazing!)

If You Said...

Get your hubby a new iPhone for your anniversary, then, *ding, ding, ding*, you're a winner!

If you said get him his own iPhone, then, *awwwww*, you're not.

And if you said "F%*k his brains out, and photograph it with the new phone!" *cough eye in de sky cough*, well, congratulations! You win a consolation prize for being at least half right. He did seem a bit witless the next morning.

Rowr!


Yes, my hubby decided that he did not want a gift for our anniversary--besides the bow chicka bow wow--and instead began referring to my iPhone as "the family iPhone." And since my son has little patience for objects being used for their intended purposes, and our cat's texting skills are quite laughable, that pretty much narrows "the family" down to Ron and me.

This hasn't posed a problem yet, seeing as how my iPhone is still en route to the store where we purchased it. I was supposed to have it by today at the latest, but I'm not holding my breath for a miracle. Besides, isn't 08-08-08 some sort of mark of the beast or something?

No? Hmmm. Coulda sworn...

Anywho, I'm sure I'll have it soon, and I can avail you of all the cool features and such. Plus, I hear it's great for cleavage shots. I may have to overcome my inherent shyness and try it out. All in the name of research, of course.

In other news, in light of the fact that my husband will likely have to spend a considerable amount of time in Israel very shortly, he has lifted the moratorium he placed ages ago on home decorating in the Gray house (I can go a little nuts; let's just leave it at that) hence why I have not been around much lately.

Not that I don't love you all, but if you don't come with glossy pages depicting elegantly adorned rooms, preferably of the Old World European/Tuscan-inspired variety, you are dead to me.

Well, that's a little harsh. Maybe just in a persistent vegetative state.

Mmm...broccoli. Yummmm! When's lunch?

Until then, I have wallpaper to peel. Whee!!